What, me worry?

There's an interesting article in Time magazine about how we as a society worry about all the incorrect things. An example would be the fear of flying and driving instead, whereas more people die in auto wrecks than plane crashes. In any case, here's what I think we need to be worrying about.

Death, or the Ultimate, as we’ll refer to it from now on.

Germs and sickness and anything that can lead to the Ultimate

Money. The only thing that can help you before your journey into the Ultimate. Well, unless you count:

Love. E-harmony, anyone?

Your current quantity of clean pairs of socks

The off/on status of the coffee maker. Usually won’t lead to the Ultimate, but who knows.

God. What the hell’s he up to? He’s gotta be up to something.

Health. Not yours, but that of your 1^st round draft pick in fantasy football

Whether or not your favorite character will make it through the next season of 24

Adam Eaton’s ability to keep his E.R.A. below 4.5 (Phillies fans only)

The freshness of your breath at any given moment

Jamie Moyer’s ability to throw a fastball over 45 mph (Once again, Phillies fans only)

Whether or not the site you just visited at work could be considered porn because of a couple naked women here and there on it

Red meat

Stomach growls during any events requiring quiet, including but not limited to standardized tests, wakes, and interventions. And while we’re on the subject:

Interventions. Are they real? Might I be the recipient of one? Am I going to need to speak at one? How do I keep from laughing?