The Quit Down

Modelled closely after Stephen Colbert's Threat Down, the Stain Club now brings you the Quit Down. Whereas Mr. Colbert informed you of new threats, we will inform you of new Quits that you should be aware of. Whether they are for strength or otherwise, here is the first QUIT DOWN.

5. The Phillies

You knew this was coming. You need to look no further than Jose Mesa's ringing telephone? Think they can still get Troy Percival? Perhaps create the first All-Washed Up Bullpen Team. The possibilities are endless.

4. Odell Thurman

I don't like passing judgement on spotty AP news reports but at some point you have to think, "Hey I've been kicked out of the NFL indefinitely but can apply for reinstatement in July... Maybe I should avoid situations that could possibly be construed as assault." I believe dearest Odell forgot that you need to turn in a few MVP caliber seasons before you can go on murderous rampages (Ray Lewis anyone?) and not face any real consequences.

3. The work ethic of D. Page and my college roommate

This Quit hasn't happened yet but I view as a certainty so we're counting it at number 3. They're moving in together sometime in July to the aptly titled House of Stain. I put the over/under on number of work days skipped due to the Beer/Phillies/Video Games Trifecta of Glory at 47. Please place your bets.

2. Bill Richardson

A middle of the pack Democratic candidate for President with darkhorse possibilities, Bill Richardson quit on self-respect and dignity a few days ago on Meet the Press.

YOU CAN'T BE A RED SOX FAN AND A YANKEES FAN!

You can't. There's really no parallel for this. You can still love Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Joe DiMaggio, Mickey Mantle and all the Yankee greats of baseball lore. Those are baseball legends who transcend the team they played for. But when you're picking teams, you have to pick one. Maybe Bill Richardson likes the Ohio State and Michigan, Auburn and Alabama, or maybe he gets big and is a Cowboys and Eagles fan. Perhaps he's a Phillies Phanatic who really likes the way Joe Carter swings the bat. OR maybe he's a waffling assclown.

1. The Universe

The only Quit that could be stronger than Bill Richardson's. The Universe is Quitting on itself. You heard it here first (ignore the NY Times link). According to physicists, the Universe is drifting apart at such a rapid rate that billions of years from now it may be impossible to tell that there are multiple galaxies. The Universe is going huge. Does it have it? The sun will blow up before we find out, but clearly we here at the Stain Club respect the Quit.



Editor's Note: If you read the whole article about the Universe you will find a hilarious quote from a scientist that would do S.Q. proud. See if you can figure out what I'm talking about.