Never having to say you're sorry is winning

All the cleverness I had in regards to this article was used up in the post title. I suppose that's fitting as it is a rare piece of work that ties together baseball, The Duke, ninjas, and criticism of corporate news. Such high level bloggery is not easy to produce. I've been trying for weeks to discuss how scooters, vacation, and fall tie into a condemnation of our national political discourse. Unfortunately, there are still no breakthroughs. I will have to email this guy for advice.

A few good links

Nothing says lunch break like a new Stain Club post. Here're a few articles of interest.

I've been saying this for years. While the writer neglects to refer to Dukakis, Gore, and Kerry as "Demo-bots," he still makes a great point.

First time I came across this argument was during a "This Week in God" skit on the Daily Show. They gave an amazing 3 minute run-down of every crazy thing that Scientologists believe, then at the end Jon Stewart deadpans something along the lines of, "Why can't they believe in something sensible like a burning bush that talks to people?" It was incredible. The audience needed an extra second to start laughing.

I know Hitchens is everywhere these days. Being the leader of the recent anti-theist wave of books, he is never far from a television interview. He has perfected the art of combining anger, eloquence, and intoxication. I'm shocked that the arrest surrounding the Quran desecration at Pace University hasn't received more coverage. This controversy is a remarkably simple one to solve. Was it his book? If so, no problem. If it's not then I'm sure there are any number of statutes he could be prosecuted under, theft and destruction of property come immediately to mind. Calling it a hate crime is ridiculous. The story of the boy who cried wolf comes immediately to mind. This guy wasn't burning a giant wooden crescent outside of a muslim's house. There's a difference of degree between those and hopefully everyone can see it is a large one. We, as a society are asking for trouble when we apply our laws so rigidly.

And for the purposes of a strong finish, here's a Malcolm Gladwell article about the rise of Zero Tolerance.

7.30 Link Dump

Back by unpopular demand and my own streak of blog inactivity, the Link Dump has returned.

--The Iraq War Solution is being sold on eBay by a military specialist (It is very expensive, FYI).

--A little guide on how to build a successful blog (we should probably be taking tips from it ourselves).

--The actual paperwork for the Michael Vick indictment (courtesy of the Smoking Gun) as well as the possible legal ramifications for the Va. Tech alum, courtesy of Rumors and Rants.

--If you’re like me and don’t get HBO, you can at least see the trailer to Medillin, the fictional film by Vincent Chase on Entourage.

--Bugs and Cranks takes an interesting look at how certain baseball players who had the athletic ability to play another major sport (yes that even includes hockey)…their greatest two-sport-or-more athlete satiates my idea of such a player.

Scooters, vacation, fall

The following post has absolutely nothing to do with the title. They are the examples Blogger gives you everytime you endeavor to label your post. When I post on the Stain Club, I constantly think about the tantalizing prospect of blogs entirely devoted to scooters, vacation (it is likely that these actually exist), and fall. Perhaps somewhere there is a blog featuring pictures of people falling off of scooters while on vacation. I hope so.

At the risk of radically shifting gears, here are a few links to lesser known blogs that are worthy of your attention. The first, Spontaneous Order is written by my Dutch roommate (who unfortunately moved out recently). If you ever find yourself wondering what an anti-Europe Republitarian (in contrast to the Liberaltarian I have posted about before) Dutch guy is thinking, look no further.

Next up, we have another blog, which I contribute to, entitled Strangely Topical. About a third of the links I post on Stain Club come from the guy who started ST, so now you can see the same links twice. Repetitive content is the key to a successful day at the office. One thing I can promise you is that both blogs will see a remarkable increase in scooter related posts in the near future. I can tell you're excited.

A Few Good Links

In terms of the often polarizing debate on US foreign relations I rather like what this guy is saying. It is unfortunate that such thoughtful and moderate views are often lost in the media cacophony.

Bill Kristol is a hack. The sun will come out tomorrow. I'm sure you can think of other factual statements to add to that short list. Also, on page 3, you'll find that Stain Club's favored son, Keith Olbermann, will be moderating one of the Democratic debates. I love Olbermann for his rants and raves, but he's the wrong guy to host this sort of event. I would not be happy if Bill O'Reilly was in charge of a Republican debate and I think we can all agree on that.

Bill Simmons writes a good one about the NBA. I generally don't care about it, but I remember once upon a time we had the Big Four in sports. That number seems to be dropping rapidly.

Another stupid running back decided to open his idiot mouth and chime in on an ongoing investigation. According to dearest Emmitt, Vick's alleged participation in dogfighting, "Now, granted he might have been to a dogfight a time or two, maybe five times, maybe 20 times, may have bet some money" isn't relevant because "he's not the one you're after. He's not the one you're after, he's just the one whose going to take the fall -- publicly." Thanks Emmitt. I'm glad you're there to let us know that we should ignore the laws banning this sort of deplorable activity to let us know that somehow Vick isn't at fault. Are football agents around the country frantically calling their clients in an effort to teach them to say, "Dogfighting is a cruel and terrible crime, but..." before defending Vick? Apparently they need to. Right now Emmitt and Ladell Betts' backup are worse in my book than Vick. He is still innocent until proven guilty. These morons, on the other hand, don't think anything bad happened and that's despicable.

Edit: This one didn't make the original post, but all of us baseball loving Stain Clubbers would have been remiss not to include it. It's a fitting tribute to Hank Aaron, a man whose accomplishments in the face of adversity will be remembered as much more than a long held home run record

Also my apologies for all the Washington Post articles today.

The Weekend that Wasn't

Ever have one of those weekends that didn't happen? You wake up on Monday and realize that, really, nothing much happened. I get that a lot now that I live in the "real world." In college, you could stretch your weekend into 3, 4, even 5 days with no consequences. I don't know why I never did that.

On Friday: I had an ultimate game, then wandered around 18th St. (where a huge number of bars are) so I could watch all the drunk people and inevitable fights.

On Saturday: I read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. All 784 pages. While very satisfying, I can't say this furthered any of my larger ambitions in life. Also I've noticed that it is immensely difficult to talk to fellow Potter fans until they complete the book. They are very nervous around me, knowing that I hold the secrets to how it all ends.

On Sunday: If you're not a Potter person, this was the only day I had anything. After going huge on grocery shopping, I played a little softball, and then watched a movie. After such a wild and crazy weekend, I went to bed sometime before 8pm. Ostensibly, I was taking a nap, but we all know how that works.

Now I'm back at work, and I'm left wondering what happened to my weekend. Does this happen to anyone else or is it just me?

The Deathly Hallows

With Harry Potter Day just under 8 hours away, I wanted to take a moment and address the growing Potter-mania. Soon, bookstores everywhere will be swarmed by idiots dressing up as wizards. I'm all for children doing this, but if you're 28 and still live in your parents' basement, maybe you have better things to do (Just saying). But, I must keep my introductory rambles to a minimum as the rest of the post is a big ridiculous ramble anyways.

First things first, Snape is evil. I'm convinced. Harry is convinced. Oh yeah, he killed Dumbledore too. Can't forget to add that to the list. And in HP4 Voldemort listed 3 missing Death Eaters, saying one had left him forever, one was too cowardly to return, and one had already returned and would be rewarded above all others. The first was Karakoff who dies in HP6, the second is Crouch who impersonated Mad-Eye Moody was killed by the Dementors after incessantly questioning Harry about what Voldemort thought of him, and finally we come to Snape.

There has been much talk online about Snape's redemption and possible sacrifice to save Harry at the cost of his own life. I don't buy it. The two main explanations driving that theory are a sudden change of heart or the idea that Dumbledore planned or at least knew what would happen to him at the end of HP6. I think both of these theories are ridiculous.

Why would Snape cold-heartedly kill Dumbledore who trusted him and offered a second chance when no one else would and then spare Harry whom he has actively sabotaged over the course of 6 books. It just doesn't fly. While it is loosely possible that Dumbledore schemed up his own death to cause a chain of events leading to Voldemort's defeat, it would be a terrible ending. This has not been a series of books about Dumbledore's brilliance, but about Harry's heart. The book has been foreshadowing the magic of self-sacrificing love as the ultimate weapon against Voldemort since day 1. The idea that Dumbledore planned his death or knew about it to spur Snape's eventual change of heart is ludicrous and would undercut all of Harry's significance.

The real magic of the Harry Potter books has come from their clever plot turns and almost perfect pacing. It rarely strays from the well-worn track of Good vs. Evil. I find that simplicity refreshing. Moral ambiguity and inner turmoil is not a prerequisite of a great story. Good beats Evil. Love beats Hate. Everyone leaves satisfied. If you are determined to try and draw deeper meaning, you may wind up disappointed. Most of Harry's previous battles against Voldemort have been won against all odds when a deus ex machina appears to save the day. Quirrell/Voldemort can't touch Harry, Fawkes delivers Gryffindor's sword, Hermoine has a Time-Turner, Priori Incantatem allows Harry to escape, Dumbledore swoops in to drive off Voldemort. These are all very satisfying, but none of them will leave you lost in thought. I know that if Harry drops the BPAS on Voldemort armed only with his heart and the love of his friends, I'll walk away highly satisfied with the ending.

Here are some predictions:

Neville Longbottom finally cashes in on his potential. Every book has made sure to give us a glimpse of Neville's inner strength and his significance was further strengthened by the prophecy at the end of HP5.

Snape is evil. See above.

Sirius and Dumbledore stay dead. However, Dumbledore's portrait could get huge.

Percy Weasley finally figures it out. Some have theorized that Percy will "turn to the dark side" because of his rigid character and obsession with getting ahead. If he does join the Death Eaters at some point, I believe he'll renege later.

Harry has it out with the Ministry one last time. The Ministry has stood in way constantly throughout the series and will likely do so again.

Lastly... All the Weasley's are evil. They're all Gingers: red hair, freckles, light skin. Why isn't this being discussed more. Has Cartman taught us nothing? They have Gingervitis and therefore no souls. Sad, but true. It's possible that they have been the power behind Voldemort all along.

I think its highly likely that HP7 will end with a Devil's Advocate style plot twist where Ron attempts to persuade Harry to get with Ginny (who has already been turned into an Inferius) so that the Anti-Christ can rise again. Harry will foil this plan by killing himself with an Avada Kedavra to the temple. You heard it here first.

6.26 Link Dump

--Good Cop, Baby Cop: The sequel to Will Ferrell’s classic “The Landlord”

--Top 20 Movie Insults

--Interesting list of cereals and their side-effects (Methinks the Phils are eating too much of Houston’s Triple Play during the final stretch the last few seasons…or maybe it’s just Pat Burrell who’s been hoarding it)

--Shaq + 6 Obese Kids + Reality TV akin to Celebrity Fit Club (minus an insane Screech) = Winning TV Combo

--I don’t think this sort of thing has ever happened to a Phillies pitcher, no matter how poorly they have pitched

--This could be on the next And 1! mixtape for ridiculous pitches, though it comes nowhere near a strike

--At least one person other thinks the new Die Hard is decent (I may just wait until it shows up in the $6.99 DVD bin for a viewing, but you never know...Rocky IV is a guilty pleasure of mine and this just so happens to be the fourth episode of the Die Hard series)

501 and Counting

We start our journey to 1000 posts with one of most recognizable faces on ESPN: Chris Berman. Chris Berman has a history of escapades which have been reported by Deadspin. His most recent one does not have to do with the now-popular cult line, “You’re with me, leather,” but with helping out our youth to grow up big and strong. Case in point, he contributes his voice to this little clip on Sesame Street concerning exercise.

Obviously you have to disregard the color of the puppet that is supposedly him(especially the green and sharp nose), but the hair is dead. Two other noticeable differences: first is the stance of the puppet itself. Rarely do I see Boomer standing up any more, mic in hand, on any of the ESPN shows. He is usually bouncing back-and-forth in his chair behind a table, waving his hands uncontrollably.

And second, the size of the puppet in terms of girth is very generous, in the same manner Andy Reid or Romeo Crennel appear trim and fit when they cross the field at the end of a game of Madden—it appears as if they have been taking Stacker 2 or Hydroxycut. I only wish that they had gone the extra mile to create a booth for Cheese-Day Countdown with Steve Young and Tom Jackson.

500th Post

In light of our many accomplishments here at the Stain Club: we're still writing months later, successfully peer pressuring some of our friends to read this under threat of quizzing and disappointment, and alternating between discussions of a Phillies World Series and the death knell of the team's hopes for .500 (much in the way a child would turn a light switch on and off repeatedly), it's time to commemorate our 500th post. Yes that's right the big five - oh - oh. Some of you have been with us since the beginning. You know what Stain Club was like before the advent of the 5-stain rotation. Dark days when QFS was only a random jumble of letters. Others of you might be recent converts to the ways of Stain. Fear not. Soon you will be able to say knowingly to your friends and co-workers, "6.2 IP 5K 3BB 4ER" and they will immediately understand that your day was okay. And really, that's only the beginning.

I can't tell you what's next for Stain Club. Maybe we'll get some readers. Maybe we'll make good on all the promised columns and jokes. Or maybe we'll just stain you out and go to a baseball game. But, loyal (and primarily imaginary) readers we know you'll understand we had to keep going huge because we thought we had it. For not a day goes by that we don't ponder our influential readership and their stain-based choices. We hope that one day, they will turn their attention away from applying our stainy ramblings to geo-politics and instead focus on a higher priority: Paying Us To Live.

Good luck and God Speed Fellow Stains. Happy 500th Post.

Quit Down #2

Contrary to popular belief, we didn't quit on the Quit Down. It's back with new names but the same stains (which almost rhymes). Here we go.

5. The Cincinnati Reds

Let the firesale begin. Who wants home run hitters for 50 cents on the dollar? I wake up in the morning excited about the possibility of getting something for Griffey and Dunn. Currently there are 4 players I would not want the Reds to trade unless it was an overwhelming steal: Aaron Harang, Homer Bailey, Josh Hamilton, Brandon Phillips. It would have to be a trade so lopsided that if made in a Fantasy league it would be voted down unanimously. Does it worry me that a former crack addict made my top 4 list? Absolutely. But it bothers me even more that I can't find number 5 anywhere.

4. Some lake in the Andes Mountains

An unusually self-explanatory Quit here. One day there was a 100-ft deep lake. The next? Not so much. Here's the link.

If you look closely at the CNN link, you'll notice that they refer to it as a "missing" lake. Where do they think the lake will be found? This is not an attractive white girl who has been kidnapped.

3. The 2004 West Virginia Mountaineers football team

These are some serious fellows. Pac-Man Jones, Chris Henry, Quincy Wilson. They all love arrest warrants. I haven't checked with ESPN Stats Inc. but he has to hold the NFL record for most police encounters. Single season and career. Quincy Wilson recently became the elusive 10th Bengal arrested and joins a long line of bubble players who decide they don't want to bother with the practice squad this year. Being a lock for the imaginary 5th running back spot on the Bengals, he knew he had to lock in that 10th player arrested designation before his inevitable training camp cut. This will keep his name on ESPN way longer than getting cut the normal way would. A savvy PR move and I tip my hat to you and the entire 2004 Mountaineers squad for their impressive legal quits.

2. Liberal Arts colleges everywhere

Proudly carrying the QFS banner, Liberal Arts colleges across the country are quitting on US News and World Report's stupid college rankings. Why anyone pays attention to these rankings in the first place is beyond me. If US News ruled the world, we would rank baseball teams based on ticket sales and how many minor league prospects they keep for a whole year. Do they draft only a few players each year? Must be a good team. They're selective. Are their prospects highly touted coming out of high school? World Series here we come. Most significantly, US News would have all of the teams rate each other. Don't think a particular team is going to do well this year? Now that opinion counts for 25% of your final ranking. According to US News and World Report, the Yankees have won their 32nd consecutive World Series. Congratulations.

I applaud all of the colleges who have decided to QFS on US News and World Report. Obviously, college deans everywhere are reading the Stain Club. Truly, it is evidence of our influential readership.

1. Lawrence Small - Former Secretary of the Smithsonian

Mr. Small claims the number 1 spot, not on his own merits, but for how hard an independent review committee Quit on him in a report published yesterday. For those of you unaware, Mr. Small was the head of the Smithsonian since 2000. During that time, he took 70 weeks of vacation, spent an additional 64 days working at another job (for which he was paid over 5 million dollars), and had his annual pay doubled. Oh yeah, he leased two Pandas and brought them to the National Zoo. The report summary in the NY Times is an amazing read, but I'll offer up two quotes that drive home how stainy this guy is.

The first, from his deputy, Sheila Burke, addresses the report's finding that she also missed 400 days at work over the course of 7 years, “There is no suggestion in the report or by anyone else that at the end of the day I didn’t do my job. There is every indication that I am in fact an extraordinary individual with a very strong work ethic.” Actually, I think you missed the part where they suggested that you missed 400 days of work. And the second quote, “The mismatch between Mr. Small and the Institution appeared as early as the initial negotiations with Mr. Small when he made it clear that if he and his wife were not allowed to travel in first class, it would be a ‘deal breaker.’”

They should hire Charlie Manuel, Dusty Baker, and the entire cast of Bill Simmons' Atrocious GM Summit to run the place. Although, I would be worried about them trading away our Pandas (Pandas for Pat Burrell straight up?), I don't see how they could do any worse.

6.20 Link Dump

Today, I am going to start posting links that I find interesting throughout the day. Call it a little lazy, but not everything I find needs a paragraph of explanation and it will at the very least get us some more posts on the Stain Club as they have been lagging as of late. Plus, any chance to use the word, dump, in the title of a blog or a label is a chance I will take over and over again.

--One more reason to watch Scrubs if you haven't: The ridiculous dance sequences, most of which I probably borrow from whenever I am drunk.

--SportsCenter Audition tapes by recent retiree Bob Barker and Milk Hater Ron Burgundy.

--Recall in Austin Powers 3 (I know it's from a while back) that Fat Bastard went on the Jared Subway diet to lose some serious poundage that resulted in lots of sagging skin. Well, this is a lot more gross with a lot and a lot more sag.

--As a serious Star Wars nerd, I loved the Robot Chicken's mockery/homage to the entire saga. Seth Green is a genius when it comes to this kind of humor.

--More nerd stuff as D. Page recently informed of a major switch in the Spidey franchise as Marvel will be churning out Amazing Spider-Man three times a month while the other side titles will be canceled. Here's the interview with Steve Wacker concerning the decision to do so.

The Quit Down

Modelled closely after Stephen Colbert's Threat Down, the Stain Club now brings you the Quit Down. Whereas Mr. Colbert informed you of new threats, we will inform you of new Quits that you should be aware of. Whether they are for strength or otherwise, here is the first QUIT DOWN.

5. The Phillies

You knew this was coming. You need to look no further than Jose Mesa's ringing telephone? Think they can still get Troy Percival? Perhaps create the first All-Washed Up Bullpen Team. The possibilities are endless.

4. Odell Thurman

I don't like passing judgement on spotty AP news reports but at some point you have to think, "Hey I've been kicked out of the NFL indefinitely but can apply for reinstatement in July... Maybe I should avoid situations that could possibly be construed as assault." I believe dearest Odell forgot that you need to turn in a few MVP caliber seasons before you can go on murderous rampages (Ray Lewis anyone?) and not face any real consequences.

3. The work ethic of D. Page and my college roommate

This Quit hasn't happened yet but I view as a certainty so we're counting it at number 3. They're moving in together sometime in July to the aptly titled House of Stain. I put the over/under on number of work days skipped due to the Beer/Phillies/Video Games Trifecta of Glory at 47. Please place your bets.

2. Bill Richardson

A middle of the pack Democratic candidate for President with darkhorse possibilities, Bill Richardson quit on self-respect and dignity a few days ago on Meet the Press.

YOU CAN'T BE A RED SOX FAN AND A YANKEES FAN!

You can't. There's really no parallel for this. You can still love Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Joe DiMaggio, Mickey Mantle and all the Yankee greats of baseball lore. Those are baseball legends who transcend the team they played for. But when you're picking teams, you have to pick one. Maybe Bill Richardson likes the Ohio State and Michigan, Auburn and Alabama, or maybe he gets big and is a Cowboys and Eagles fan. Perhaps he's a Phillies Phanatic who really likes the way Joe Carter swings the bat. OR maybe he's a waffling assclown.

1. The Universe

The only Quit that could be stronger than Bill Richardson's. The Universe is Quitting on itself. You heard it here first (ignore the NY Times link). According to physicists, the Universe is drifting apart at such a rapid rate that billions of years from now it may be impossible to tell that there are multiple galaxies. The Universe is going huge. Does it have it? The sun will blow up before we find out, but clearly we here at the Stain Club respect the Quit.



Editor's Note: If you read the whole article about the Universe you will find a hilarious quote from a scientist that would do S.Q. proud. See if you can figure out what I'm talking about.

Powerful summary

The video stands on its own, but the commentary takes it to higher level. Before watching the video, I thought it was a little over the top. How wrong I was.

Just the video:



Hilariously, hours after I saw this it appeared on the Daily Show.

Maybe Real Life Won't Be That Bad

So I've been contemplating whether the glory days of getting sloshed on the weekends will begin to lose its fervor once I graduate from college. While going to a job from 9 to 5 each week is pretty beat, apparently I overlooked the fact that the tailgate experience is merely the next step in the evolution of partying as a "grown-up."

What sort of evidence would make me utter such a statement? Well, the video below for one thing as I will hopefully be working the Philadelphia area for years to come. It may not be Smashed/Make-Out City, but I would say it's the next best thing. Besides, someone is going to have to drive the others home.

The Night is Mine

It’s not easy to say “What Would Jesus Do?” and attempt to live your life by that mantra. It’s an honorable thing. Love thy neighbor. Treat others as you would want them to treat you. Do good unto others and ye shall be rewarded. All of it is wonderful.

Unfortunately, we live in America. Our economy is capitalism. You gotta watch your own ass here. You gotta be one step ahead of the competition, all the while watching you back for attempted knifings. If you can live by the Jesus code, you have my support and blessings. Christianity is a beautiful thing. However, I have a new man I’m trying to live by. Now, I wouldn’t translate this code to a work situation, or family relations, but it applies to how you deal with romantic relationships. Think of this code: What Would Bruce Wayne Do?

Bruce Wayne, for those of you who live in a cave (one without bats, obviously) is a superhero. He fights crime as The Batman. The night is his. He will scare the shit out of you. He will get the information out of you. He will solve everything. However, unless you’re planning on becoming a vigilante or you’re a detective, Batman isn’t much good to you. His other ego, Bruce Wayne, is.

Let’s consider this: Bruce Wayne spends most of his nights solving crimes, sticking it to the baddies, and generally pressing down on the BPAS as hard as he can. This means he’s too tired to do a whole lot during the day. Thus, he goes through his “job” as lackadaisical playboy without appearing very concerned or interested. This approach may not get you very far in the workplace. After all, Bruce Wayne is a billionaire, and you, I’m assuming, are not. So then, what good is it? Glad you asked.

Extend that lackadaisical approach to your social life that Bruce Wayne does to his. Who cares what you’re doing. Who cares if you can’t get a date. Bruce Wayne doesn’t care. He cancels dates to kick ass. Maybe you should be doing this, too. Instead of getting hung up on a girl, go buy this and do some ass-kicking of your own.

The point is, in the grossness of our modern world, nonchalance is winning in the dating arena. The old school tactics of buying flowers for dates and harping on your significant other’s every wish are over, if they ever worked in the first place. You’ve got to act like you’re busy. For Bruce Wayne, it’s not an act. He is busy. He’s making sure that Two-Face isn’t about to kill your family. You, on the other hand, probably don’t have quite as serious a commitment. That doesn’t matter. The person on the other end of the line doesn’t need to know that for you “busy” translates into a six-pack of Miller Light and Death Wish II.

Harness the Bruce Wayne playboy-style for your own needs, watch your strength grow, and the night will be yours, too.

Weekday Stains

After sitting down and getting ready for my workday, I wrote up a quick list of topics I wanted to address here. However, those all went out the window when I heard about the Virginia Tech shootings. I'm sure there are roughly 6 million blog posts on the subject out there right now. I can't promise mine will be any different, but here goes nothing.

First off, it's a tragedy. This isn't shocking news to anyone so I won't belabor that point. To put it in perspective, the death toll nearly triples that of Columbine. I think a lot about how unfortunate it is. I'm not sure if this is normal, but it always gets me thinking about other tragedies. Rwanda, the Holocaust, deaths in Iraq, etc. That isn't to take anything away from the events today. It might be more comforting if it did. Instead, it only reminds me that it can and does become worse. One thing that I found really disappointing were the early comments out of the White House. While I understand one not quite isolated event should not widely distort long standing policies, but there are times when you can pass on hammering home a political point. Here's a transcript from Whitehouse.gov of Press Secretary Dana Perino's remarks, "Q: Dana, going back to Virginia Tech, what more does this White House think needs to be done as it relates to gun issues? The President says current laws need to be strengthened, anything beyond that -- you had a conference on school violence with guns -- what more needs to be done?

MS. PERINO: I would point you back to the fact that President, along with Secretary Spellings, hosted last October -- October 10, 2006 -- a conference on school gun violence after the Amish school shooting and the other shootings that had happened, because the tragedies are the ones that just collectively break America's heart and are ones that we deeply feel, because all of us can imagine what it would be like to have been at your own school, your own college, and to have something happen. And those of us who are parents, or brothers or sisters of people at the schools have to take that into consideration.

As far as policy, the President believes that there is a right for people to bear arms, but that all laws must be followed. And certainly bringing a gun into a school dormitory and shooting -- I don't want to say numbers because I know that they're still trying to figure out many people were wounded and possibly killed, but obviously that would be against the law and something that someone should be held accountable for."

The right to bear arms is certainly a much debated issue in America. Some people argue for far more restrictions, others for far less. The question was somewhat loaded. I recognize all of this. And yet, I don't care. Give it a day. Talk about tragedy and the need for prayer more. The argument about gun ownership can wait. At least a day.

For better or worse, the media storm regarding the shootings will be incredible. I wish I was confident that it would stimulate debate about larger issues in our society. Whether we're dealing with gun ownership or what made this man do such horrible things, I'd like to see the media grapple with the issues. The far more likely result will be a detailed gripping play by play of the killings that brings us strong narrative but weak analysis. I hope to be proven wrong.

Looking back on the list of topics I jotted down, I realize how many of them dealt with my distaste for national media sources. From the recent Don Imus brouhaha (what a great and underused word that is), to the more every day emphasis on pitting one talking head against another, news isn't really news anymore. Arguably Don Imus was never fully news, but he was the unwitting inspiration for a lot of good media related thoughts.

It all started when I was sitting in a metro station talking to a friend about the Imus outburst. This friend is one of the nicest girls I know, but if you do something that she thinks is truly reprehensible (and this is not easy to do) she will call you on it in terms that could never be uncertain. Needless to say, she was pissed about Imus. Ever the promoter, I coyly referenced how S.Q. had blogged about it a little. Before I could mention I planned to chime in, she says, "I hate blogs. I never read them." Perhaps a little hurt, and certainly with my pride wounded I ask why. Her reply ran along the lines of, "it's hard enough to find objective news from major sources, so why would I waste my time reading blogs." That stung a little bit, but only because she had a point.

My response to this, which we didn't have time to discuss, was that I like blogs because people are more open about their biases. If you read the Stain Club, you know you're in store for some moderate to liberal discussion based on who you have posting on a given day. We're pretty up front about it. Until we "hire" a conservative columnist, or I find more time to ghost-write, we are not fair and balanced. I most enjoy the editorial page for the very same reason. It talks about events, but also what that person thinks. Through their openness, they encourage me to explore the issue and think critically. I read a great one by Robert Novak the other day on peace in the Middle East. And yes, I called him a hack in an earlier column. Despite that, I went in with an open mind and was pleasantly surprised. Whenever I compare that to the talking heads I find on 24 hour network news, I lose both the surprise and the pleasantness.

Here's an unconventional example. It's Geraldo vs. Bill O'Reilly. Raw is War. News is entertainment. Debate is shouting match. Sentence is short. You get the idea. Then every other news program out there is racing to match up talking head contestants to battle it out in the name of fair debate. There's no debate and you only get fairness when both sides have the same volume and willingness to interrupt the other. The result, invariably, can be reduced to white noise. Why can't they put one talking head on and ask them some questions, then another and ask them the same questions. To be completely fair, you could prevent talking head #2 from hearing what #1 said. Both could skew the news however they wanted and no one would complain that their position is being shouted down. Why don't they do this? Because its not entertaining. Here's another short sentence for you, News is Dead.

While we're staining about what's on tv these days, I want to point out something far more serious than the offspring of Crossfire. Maybe you've seen these, but they hit home like no ad I've seen before. Their website is Don't Almost Give. I plan to drop a more serious post that is devoted solely to this ad campaign later so we'll move on.

Lately I've been watching Planet Earth on Discovery Channel. It is incredible. That is all I can say about it. It can't come out on DVD soon enough. Watch it. Sundays at 8 on Discovery. You won't be disappointed. But that's not the real story. Yesterday, I watched the better part of an episode with one of my roommates. We were discussing the amazingness of the scenes before us and, ever the cynics, we wondered if perhaps some of the scenes had been set up. Something along the lines of "Oh look a swarm of piranhas... and here we have a big juicy dead fish... oh no it dropped in the river. I guess we have to film the feeding frenzy." That sort of thing. Then my roommate says, "it's like the myth about lemmings that Disney perpetuated." Now for those of you who don't know, lemmings are widely believed to have such a strong herd instinct that when one runs off a cliff, hundreds will follow right behind. This was even the inspiration for a cherished childhood video game. However, if you read further down the Lemmings article, you will notice the suicide myth entry. To briefly summarize, it details how Disney was making a nature "documentary" where Disney faked footage of lemmings running off a cliff in droves by throwing them over the edge. And so I will end with a familiar refrain... Hey Disney stop killing my childhood (and the lemmings).

Free-staining

I'm going into this one without a topic. That's all the warning you're going to get. I thought up one too many ideas to post about and OD'd on my own stain. I thought about dropping a fierce baseball metaphor about the Iraq deadline debate. Ran through it in my head during my walk to work. Then I started collecting imaginary emails for the second edition of the Stain Club imaginary mailbag (this is coming next week unless I stain everyone out and forget about it because baseball will be here). I feel pretty strong about both of those topics and maybe I'll write them up. But, it's almost March 28th, which means its almost April 2nd, which means it's almost BASEBALL SEASON. All I can think about is the underdog Reds surprising people in the NL Central and my inevitable fantasy dominance over some of my fellow Stain Clubbers.

Trash-talk and general baseball enthusiasm aside, the most significant effect so far has been my recent penchant for describing everyday events in terms of a pitching stat line. Weird right? Think about it before you start judging me. What if you're walking down the street one day and you run into a friend. You stop and say "How's it goin?" Normally he'd reply "it's good" or some variant of that. But, what if, instead, he says, "ehh 5 1/3 innings pitched 5 earned runs 3 walks and 4 K's" You immediately know his day really hasn't gone that well. Alternately if your buddy drops "7 strong 2 earned runs 1 walk 6 K's and I got the W" you know he's had one hell of a day. Does it even matter how he had such a good day? I say no. I'm already excited that he racked up 6 K's and I don't know how he got them. Was he throwing inside heat? Did he get a promotion at work? Was he painting the outside corner (D. Page and I call this the Maddux Zone and we suggest you do too)? Did he meet a girl? Doesn't matter.

Some foolish critics might argue that this takes a lot longer to say. But if we standardize the system and just drop a series of numbers I think this will seriously cut down on time without any loss in meaning. This works on so many levels.

It's also amazingly versatile. If you're telling a story about a friend and you start off with "He was really on his game... Threw 8 strong innings and racked up a ton of K's" People know it's going to be a good story. This will also be hugely helpful in terms of statistically analyzing how successful your evening is. How many times have you been sitting around with friends drinkin some beers and trying to one-up each other with stories of stainyness and glory. If you're talkin baseball you can effectively challenge a story. Your friend says he totally had big life with a girl and you know that's not true... you can fire off "no way you had 7 K's she got with some other stainy dude in the 5th and you had to QFS for some middle relief." I refuse to believe I'm the only one who thinks that's a better way to describe life.

To finish on a strong note, I would say my day was 6 2/3 pitched, 7 hits, 4 ER, 2 BB, 5 K's. But I'm hoping this post and some solid relief will get me the W.

Even Further Evidence of Our Influential Readership

Andrew Sullivan, welcome to the Big List. After my esteemed fellow stain Snacksy the Kid posted about DARPA and the soldier-enhancing technologies being investigated by various research teams, Sullivan waited four days and then posted a link to the very same article on his own blog. Presumably he felt four days was a long enough grace period to deny us our duly deserved hat tip.

Mr. Sullivan, I enjoy your blog and I respect the fact that you approach every issue with the intention of discovering your opinion on it, rather than settling for the party line. Even just being a conservative gay catholic blogger is pretty impressive in its independence and individualism. So please, in the spirit of this individualism, don't just try to pad your site traffic stats by linking to interesting things that we here at Stain Club took hours to meander around the internet and stumble across. I know we run an admirable blog over here, but I'm truly growing tired of all you coattail riders thinking there are shortcuts to glory. Of course, if you saw fit to send us a few (thousand) of your readers we might be able to avoid any embarrassment. Or you could just pay us to live.

Further Evidence of Our Influential Readership

Let's add Garrison Keillor to the big list. As attentive readers must have noticed, a few days ago I compared discrimination against gay people to discrimination against green-eyed people. Now here's Garrison Keillor, trying to explain his way out of an article that offended some people:

I live in a small world - the world of entertainment, musicians, writers - in which gayness is as common as having brown eyes.

I'm not sure if you think you're clever, Mr. Keillor, but changing the color from green to brown doesn't fool me, and I doubt it fools my legions of readers. You owe me, and don't try to deny it. Thanks for reading us, but plagiarism isn't really acceptable. Perhaps if you mentioned Stain Club on "A Prairie Home Companion" we could call it even, but only if I see a large spike in our Midwest readership. Or you could just Pay Us To Live.