It's About a Quarter to Dick

If there's one figure in the sportscaster world I can't stand, it's Merril Hoge, the man who consistently picked against the Eagles during their magical run to the Super Bowl in 2004. He even went as far to say that by halftime of the Super Bowl, the Patriots would be up by 42 points to nil.

Anyways, during a segment promoting fantasy football brought to you by Larry Brown Sports, Hoge utters what can only be a textbook case of the Freudian slip. It sounds as if Merril is turning into a man's man who enjoys an occasional banger in the mouth.


Oh Merril, you blow hard!

It's Really Not Just About Dogs

The Big Lead found a great piece by Terrence Moore of the Atlanta Journal Constitution critiques the argument of the plethora of Vick supporters who are advocating that he should not suffer any consequences over a "bunch of dogs," as Moore puts it. Such a blatantly simple and moronic stance overlooks the very fact that this prosecution is occurring because Ron Mexico broke the law, and apparently has been doing so at his residence for an absurd amount of time totaling to about 5 years.

Plumpy wrote a post on animal abuse a while back concerning Ladell's back-up and I would have to say that he couldn't agree more. No athlete should be above the law when it comes to such a serious offense, and sometimes our view of athletes on their respective fields of play, especially in this day and age, can make us forget that they are still human and are very much capable of horrendous actions and deeds.

Linebacker U in Buffalo

One of our friends has been a Buffalo Bills fan his whole life and we constantly harass him for the ineptitude of the team's failure to win at least one of the four straight Super Bowls they were in. All of this is in obvious jest and used as a point of comparison and sports griping as the Eagles had a similar streak, albeit in the NFC Title games for three straight years.

As Penn State football fanatics, we were obviously interested in where the players who would be drafted this year would be going as they were part of our class of 2007. I was hoping that Paul Posluszny would fall to the Eagles in the draft and if the Eagles were smart, they would have done so and had the heir apparent to Jeremiah Trotter or the replacement to Dhani Jones who was eventually cut within a few weeks following the draft.

If there was one place I wished to see Poz go, it would be to Buffalo and they traded up to take him. They got a steal in my opinion as he should have been taken in the first round, but I'm sure plenty of organizations were hesitant due to his knee injury in the 2006 Orange Bowl and his "slow" start during his senior season (it should be noted that this was due to his move to the middle linebacking position as opposed to the weak/strong side. Offensive linemen were more keen to block him as the middle position is normally associated with stopping the run).

As you can see in this clip below, Paul is as fast as ever, if not faster than he was at Penn State. I would not even believe that he had ever injured his knee. Barring any sort of injury, I think it is safe to say that the Bills have locked up a star at the linebacking position and should reap the rewards of having such a unique, hard-working player for years to come.

This Is Absurd

I realize we are supposed to frown upon every sort of violence there is in the world, but I am not for changing the lyrics of a traditional song of my college alma mater based on one student-athlete round of fistacuffs. Changing the words of a fight song will not soften the image of any school. The song and its lyrics are meant purely in a sport sense as no one out on the field is trying to kill the opposing team. Yes, there is fighting, but it is to win, not to necessarily hurt (it happens every once and awhile, but it is normally never intentional--it is just a risk of playing the game).

I for one will not be singing these new lyrics, especially if they are shown on the big screen at football games. I think Plumpy would agree.

Update, 1:19 PM -- After checking back on the site where I found this blurb, it was indeed a hoax. Fight on, State!

6.25 Link Dump

--Lawrence Mauroney as Kool Aid on Facebook

--Jon Kitna's Guarantee Concerning the Lion's Record for the Upcoming Season

--The Future Evolution of Sports Bloggers

--An animal link that will please animal enthusiasts such as Plumpy and S.Q.

--A respectful tribute and numerous links concerning the sudden death of Rod Beck, the relief pitcher who pioneered the fu-manchu mustache and mullet combo, essentially paving the way for Sal Fasano

--Introducing the starting line-up for your all-time busts team

Quit Down #2

Contrary to popular belief, we didn't quit on the Quit Down. It's back with new names but the same stains (which almost rhymes). Here we go.

5. The Cincinnati Reds

Let the firesale begin. Who wants home run hitters for 50 cents on the dollar? I wake up in the morning excited about the possibility of getting something for Griffey and Dunn. Currently there are 4 players I would not want the Reds to trade unless it was an overwhelming steal: Aaron Harang, Homer Bailey, Josh Hamilton, Brandon Phillips. It would have to be a trade so lopsided that if made in a Fantasy league it would be voted down unanimously. Does it worry me that a former crack addict made my top 4 list? Absolutely. But it bothers me even more that I can't find number 5 anywhere.

4. Some lake in the Andes Mountains

An unusually self-explanatory Quit here. One day there was a 100-ft deep lake. The next? Not so much. Here's the link.

If you look closely at the CNN link, you'll notice that they refer to it as a "missing" lake. Where do they think the lake will be found? This is not an attractive white girl who has been kidnapped.

3. The 2004 West Virginia Mountaineers football team

These are some serious fellows. Pac-Man Jones, Chris Henry, Quincy Wilson. They all love arrest warrants. I haven't checked with ESPN Stats Inc. but he has to hold the NFL record for most police encounters. Single season and career. Quincy Wilson recently became the elusive 10th Bengal arrested and joins a long line of bubble players who decide they don't want to bother with the practice squad this year. Being a lock for the imaginary 5th running back spot on the Bengals, he knew he had to lock in that 10th player arrested designation before his inevitable training camp cut. This will keep his name on ESPN way longer than getting cut the normal way would. A savvy PR move and I tip my hat to you and the entire 2004 Mountaineers squad for their impressive legal quits.

2. Liberal Arts colleges everywhere

Proudly carrying the QFS banner, Liberal Arts colleges across the country are quitting on US News and World Report's stupid college rankings. Why anyone pays attention to these rankings in the first place is beyond me. If US News ruled the world, we would rank baseball teams based on ticket sales and how many minor league prospects they keep for a whole year. Do they draft only a few players each year? Must be a good team. They're selective. Are their prospects highly touted coming out of high school? World Series here we come. Most significantly, US News would have all of the teams rate each other. Don't think a particular team is going to do well this year? Now that opinion counts for 25% of your final ranking. According to US News and World Report, the Yankees have won their 32nd consecutive World Series. Congratulations.

I applaud all of the colleges who have decided to QFS on US News and World Report. Obviously, college deans everywhere are reading the Stain Club. Truly, it is evidence of our influential readership.

1. Lawrence Small - Former Secretary of the Smithsonian

Mr. Small claims the number 1 spot, not on his own merits, but for how hard an independent review committee Quit on him in a report published yesterday. For those of you unaware, Mr. Small was the head of the Smithsonian since 2000. During that time, he took 70 weeks of vacation, spent an additional 64 days working at another job (for which he was paid over 5 million dollars), and had his annual pay doubled. Oh yeah, he leased two Pandas and brought them to the National Zoo. The report summary in the NY Times is an amazing read, but I'll offer up two quotes that drive home how stainy this guy is.

The first, from his deputy, Sheila Burke, addresses the report's finding that she also missed 400 days at work over the course of 7 years, “There is no suggestion in the report or by anyone else that at the end of the day I didn’t do my job. There is every indication that I am in fact an extraordinary individual with a very strong work ethic.” Actually, I think you missed the part where they suggested that you missed 400 days of work. And the second quote, “The mismatch between Mr. Small and the Institution appeared as early as the initial negotiations with Mr. Small when he made it clear that if he and his wife were not allowed to travel in first class, it would be a ‘deal breaker.’”

They should hire Charlie Manuel, Dusty Baker, and the entire cast of Bill Simmons' Atrocious GM Summit to run the place. Although, I would be worried about them trading away our Pandas (Pandas for Pat Burrell straight up?), I don't see how they could do any worse.

Scirrotto's Slap on the Wrist

As a PSU football fan, this joyous news pertaining to Anthony Scirrotto returning to the secondary has me drooling. Our back seven is not only experienced, but it damn near the top in terms of talent. Everyone in the secondary now has a year of experience under their respective belts, and in Scrots, the Lions possess a hard-hitting play-maker.


As a person, I am always concerned when the punishment doesn’t always fit the crime. Scrots provoked enough of an incident, at least in my mind, to warrant a suspension well into the season. As I mentioned, I am glad he is back for football reasons, but that doesn’t mean he should be merely slapped on the wrist with a summer suspension. Sure there’s the punishment of the whole team cleaning up Beaver Stadium on Sunday, but is that enough for Scirritto? Not to me and I'm sure not to numerous others. Athletes will always seemingly be above the law (unless you’re Pacman Jones or Chris Henry), and this is just another incident to reinforce that idea.

A Confluence of Stains

The story of Genarlow Wilson involves the meeting of many topics here at the Stain Club. Its the story of a promising football player who got stained out hard by a rigid outdated Georgia justice system. Today, however, the Georgia Court of Appeals took a big step towards helping Genarlow quit prison for strength and hopefully pick up where he left off. I'll address this more as it plays out because the case isn't over yet, and it's only one part of a larger and much-needed reform of outdated criminal statutes. If you'd like to read the larger summary of the case check here.

Clinton Portis is an asshole

Usually I try to take a moderate position here on the Stain Club. I try and see both sides of the Iraq issue. I don't take it personally when Mitch stabs me in the back and slanders my beloved Carson Palmer (note: he's beloved in non-sexual man crush / football idol sort of way... but there wouldn't be anything wrong with it if that were another kind of love). But one topic is guaranteed to piss me off: animal abuse.

There's nothing right about this. Plain and simple. Don't think I'm going on a diatribe about animal drug testing, hunting, or the benefits of vegetarianism. Those are not my issues. My issue is going out and abusing defenseless animals for your sick twisted amusement. Anyone who doesn't recognize the slippery slope of animal abuse which could lead to other forms of abuse, including ones directed towards people is kidding themselves. Is it surprising that ole' Ronny Mexico is the guy who allegedly hosted and attended the dog-fights? I think not.

However, this isn't about our beloved choke artist Mike Vick, I'm willing to let the legal system play out before I outright condemn him. Clinton Portis, though, is willing to assume that he was hosting the dog fights. And he thinks that's okay. He says people should "mind their own business." Thanks Clinton. I'm glad you're now in charge of our nation's laws.

There are so many places I could go with his idiocy right now, but I'll simply say that Clinton Portis has a keen sense of history when it comes to the notion of letting someone do with their living "property" what they will.

Link to the story about the man who will henceforth only be referred to by me as Ladell Betts' backup.

What a Wiener

McNabb may never win the big one, but he sure as hell gonna go eat a big one. Honestly, there's no good way for any man to do this ad and not have a snide homosexual comment be flung in his general direction. Unless, of course, you are mature and don't have your mind in the gutter 24/7. Then again, Palmer just set his own ass up--it looks like he's getting ready to deep throat and pleasure that enormous doggie.

NFL Draft punditry

I have an NFL draft addiction. Cold turkey doesn't work, counseling doesn't help, and it only gets worse every year. And like all good addictions, it has serious consequences. Sure it hurts your social life and makes you seem a little obsessive, but far and away the worst consequence is having to listen to the pundits yak endlessly. To lead off with my biggest problem with the idiot squad, they contradict themselves constantly. For the months of lead-up to the draft, they laud teams who parrot the following phrase "we're going to take the best player available, regardless of position." But once it starts to look like teams are going to draft to fill holes, they start talking about how important it is to pick players for need. When a team steps up and picks for need. They praise them. A few months from now, they will criticize them for reaching and picking sub-par players too high. Does this make any sense? How do these people have jobs? Oh... that's right because addicts like me watch the draft.

In fact ESPN Page 2 recently had a great breakdown of number 1 picks and their bust rates. Just goes to show that you can't judge a team solely by their top pick. Later on, the pundits will return to talking about how you should ALWAYS pick the best player available. Now though, they're drumming up more business by talking about how important it is to nail your first round picks. Apparently, the other rounds no longer matter as the first round hype-fest blows through.

Draft notes so far: Levi Brown rules. Cardinals got a good one with that pick. I remember I had class with him one year so I'm excited about getting picked this high. It's cool to be able to say I had class with a top 5 pick. Also, watching LaRon Landry's agent shoot for an awkward hug with LaRon was high unintentional comedy. I think someone should make a montage of bad agent-player hugs and put it up on YouTube. That would be great.

Who Would You Rather Have?

Maybe the general management sees something that I don't, but why would you sign second-tier wide receiver Kevin Curtis for essentially the same amount of money that Donte Stallworth is getting from New England? Stallworth, who has a track record of hamstring problems, aptly showed that he is a legit and speedy weapon when fully healthy. He is also two years younger than Curtis. He also would have preferred to return to the Eagles but apparently nothing ever happened.

It just baffles me sometimes how this management works, but in the end, they somehow breed a contender. I'll trust their decision because of their track record, but it doesn't mean I'm not frustrated by it.

Oh My God

"Don't Stop Believin' " + Tony Homo + Mr. Belding + Hair Metal Band named Metal Skool =
Greatest Music that 2007 has heard yet

Now Here's a Fan

A Bears fan is legally changing his name to Peyton Manning because of a bet. That's awesome, and my only wish is that this example of fan fanaticism had been displayed by a Philadelphian.

And now another episode of Snacksy the Kid's Super Fans

Figured I’d give my view on the upcoming Bears Colts Super Bowl game. Although my beloved Eagles will not be involved, the game should prove to be an interesting one, not to mention Prince playing the halftime show.

Defense:
Both the Bears and the Colts boast a mean defense. On average the Colts’ defense allowed 332.3 yards per game while the Bears’ defense allowed only 294.1. However of the total yards the Bears allowed, 194.8 of them were in the air. The Bears’ defense is also not well known for a blitz package. I think we will see a largely passing game from the Colts’ offense, and if the Bears’ defense expects to hold their own, they will have to put more pressure on Manning while keeping on Colts’ receivers well covered. In this case I think the edge goes to the Colts.

Offense:
Both the Colts and the Bears have shown comparable numbers in offensive yards, both passing and rushing, through out the 2006 season. Peyton, who, as it seems, has freed himself of the Dan Marino curse, has been known in the past to be somewhat of a choke artist in the post season. Wile the Colts’ offense played a strong game in the second half of Colts Patriots playoff match, the Colts’ defense was the team’s primary savior in the Raven’s game the week before. The final game in the road to the Super Bowl for the Bears ended with the Bears’ offense scoring 21 unanswered points against the Saints in the fourth quarter. Three of the four touchdowns were scored by Thomas Jones and Cedric Benson, both solid running backs. The Bears will fight most of the offensive battle on the ground and will do it well. In the case of the offense, the edge goes to da Bears.

Special teams:
All I can say is why weren’t you this good at Penn State Robbie Gould.

Quarter Backs:
Now brings me to my favorite part, the quarter backs, otherwise known as the Rex Grossman comedy hour. I really don’t think there is any contest here. With Grossman throwing more than twice the number of interceptions as Manning did, the edge clearly goes to Manning. He’s simply a better quarter back and a better leader. I can’t blame Lovie Smith for putting the offense into the hands of Thomas Jones.

All in all I predict the Colts going home with rings; however it will be a hard defensively fought battle.

Michael Vick? Or is it Ron Mexico!

Michael Vick in a bind again, at least this time he's not using pseudonyms.

Michael Vick gets stained out.

This Makes Me Feel Better

While I have found it hard to write something concerning Andy Reid's part in Puntgate '07 due to a bit of a rotten feeling in my stomach, Eli Manning doing his best Bon Jovi impression makes me feel a little better.

Cue the Music

Everyone knows about “Enter Sandman” for Mariano Rivera and Billy Wagner. Other players have their own walk up music for when they come to bat. What if the song reflected the man? Here’s some that should exist.

Barry Bonds – “I Want a New Drug” by Huey Lewis and the News.

Terrell Owens – “It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To” by Lesley Gore.

Bill Buckner – “Nobody’s Fault But Mine” by Led Zeppelin.

David Wells – “Have A Drink on Me” by AC/DC.

Michael Jordan – “Jump” by Van Halen.

Ben Roethlisberger – “I Can’t Drive ‘55” by Sammy Hagar.

Feel free to add your own.

How to support "America's Team"

Much coverage has been given to the Saints surprising turnaround season this year and how inspiring that must be to the hurricane ravaged city of New Orleans. That's all well and good... I can't imagine too many new homes have been built by football, but certainly during the regular season it did some good. If nothing else keeping people focused on the problems that still exist despite Brownie's "great job" should be considered a positive. Yesterday, however, I saw the downside of the Saints' Bandwagon.

I went to watch the Eagles v. Saints game at a bar in Arlington with some friends. My first mistake was going out to Arlington. It's really never a good idea. But a lot of my friends were serious Eagles fans and the bar always had a lot of Eagles supporters.

Last night however was very different. When I showed up I was shocked by the number of Saints jerseys in the bar. While in the line, I had to listen to a really stupid girl talk about how she just bought a jersey for "that Brees guy who's really cute" but she didn't want to wear it because it still had the tag on. It only got worse from there. One guy I saw there was cheering and cheering for the Saints and talking shit on Eagles fans while wearing a LA Dodgers hat. Very few of the fans knew a damn thing about the Saints and seemed to think their "miracle" season was entirely caused by Reggie Bush.

I'm certainly not an Eagles fan but I really started to want them to win just to spite all the bandwagon Saints fans. The Eagles had an inspiring story, led by a backup quarterback, they won week after week to win their division against all odds and then win their first playoff game. Yeah, Philadelphia wasn't destroyed by a hurricane, but its football not an application for reconstruction money.

Finally, as I was walking out of the bar, I thought of the final indictment against the bandwagon Saints fans. I can't imagine any of them have given money to the Katrina Relief Fund. Certainly not as much money as they spent on their new Saints jerseys. The real Saints bandwagon should be giving money to help New Orleans get back on their feet and stop the tragically high crime levels. The Saints are a good story, but another win isn't going to help anything.

Divisional Playoff Preview: Eagles at Saints

With so much Eagles playoff hype right now, I started sifting through some Super Bowl articles written by The Philadelphia Inquirer and The Philadelphia Daily News. I found an interesting piece written by Sam Donnellon of the Daily News. The title was “We’re Bitter, with Good Reason,” explaining the excruciating pain of being a Philadelphia sports fan season after season to the general public not residing anywhere near Pennsylvania’s most populated city. This paragraph sums up the article quite well: “Try being from Philadelphia. Try fending off the snobs from New York and the bureaucrats from Washington who treat your city the birthplace of our country, like a rest stop. Try waiting for your time to come year after year after year, as your children are born, grow up, and move on to separate lives.”

Now I am bitter with a good reason. It is now the Philadelphia Eagles vs. America’s team, the New Orleans Saints. It does not bother me at all that the public and the greater media is riding the epic story of this team that has risen like a phoenix from the ashes in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. The turn-around from worst-to-first certainly is a wonderful story because it gives the New Orleans a reason for hope. The team’s success is the community’s success, and I couldn’t be happier for them. Katrina was one of the worst disasters in American history and destroyed the normal lives of so many people that I am glad they are getting so much support all over the country.

What irks me is the bias of the sports experts. By no means do I want to take away from the success of this team, but it seems like no one is giving the Eagles a chance. Everywhere I look, the pick is the Saints. Late Sunday night, Sean Salisbury, Mr. I-Show-A-Picture-of-my-Penis-to-Women-at-the-Workplace, takes the Saints because the Eagles are beaten up after the Giants game. On Sportscenter the following night, Boomer Esiason predicted the Saints would win as well because the Eagles were limping into the game. Dr. Z of SportsIllustrated.com backed the same point. And the Z man’s colleagues have given a unanimous vote in favor of the Saints over Eagles.

In fact, I have been hard-pressed to find anyone, outside of the Philadelphia area, who has picked the Eagles to win this game. A computer on sportsline.com called Harmon was the only thing out of all the listed experts to call for the Eagles upset. And the only other person I happened to stumble upon was a senior analyst on NFL.com.

So what are the reasons for the Saints to win? They boast the number one offense in the league. They are coming off the franchise's first ever bye week, and the Eagles are hurting, even limping into this game. They have so many weapons on offense that this Eagles defense can not shut down one player without another stepping up. All of these are very viable reasons to go with America's team. If this weren't the Eagles playing them, I would be pulling for the Saints as well.

But I must say, these experts have pushed this sports decision to the extreme with such an undisputed decision to write off the Eagles. Philadelphia can win this game. The experts back the Saints with their impressive offense, but the Eagles have the number two overall offense in the rest of the league. Remember that this was done without Donovan McNabb for the latter part of the season as Jeff Garcia took over under center.

While the Saints have been resting for this upcoming game thanks to a bye week as the number two seed, the Eagles have come off a resounding, yet apparently harsh victory. Pro-Bowl Lito Sheppard was injured with a dislocated elbow and cannot play on Saturday night. This is the only injury that is serious for the Eagles, with the exception of the knee problem of fullback Thomas Tapeh. No one on this Eagles team is injured otherwise. This is perhaps the healthiest team that the Eagles have had in the playoffs in some time. And don't worry about Brian Westbrook--he's over his stomach virus.

The Saints have too many weapons, but so do the Eagles. The wide receivers and tight ends are emerging as a serious threat in multiple ways. Not only can these players catch, but they can block as well, as evidenced by Westbrook's 49-yard touchdown run. The receivers and tight ends did an exceptional job of blocking downfield after the offensive line sprung the running back loose. In addition, Donte Stallworth and Reggie Brown are not push-overs in the passing game. Stallworth caught a touchdown last week as Brown led all receivers with 7 receptions for 73 yards.

And then there is the offensive line and Brian Westbrook, who is starting to make a name for himself as a feature back. He was the proto-Reggie Bush player as he has been lined up as both a running back and wide receiver throughout his career. Correll Buckhalter, the back-up running back, gives the team a short-yardage back that is bigger than Westbrook. The Eagles have been known to line them both up in the backfield, giving defenses a nightmare of a situation as to who to cover or what playcall will be. So the Saints' defense should be trembling as well.

In my head, these teams are evenly matched, but the Saints have the advantage of home-field and a crowd that will be down-right out of their minds. I would say this is a problem except this Eagles team went to three straight divisional opponents stadiums and came out victorious. They have also been down to New Orleans earlier this season so they know what to expect from the crowd. This team is confident and cool at crunch time as evidenced by the win over the Giants last week.

It should also be emphasized that this is not the same team that visited the Big Easy earlier in the season. The offensive play-calling will be more balanced and less focused on the big play. Joe Horn, if he plays, and the other Saints receivers may not be slipping by the secondary as easily with Michael Lewis being used mainly as a line-backer. The defense has been forcing turnovers that have been at critical times and have resulted in points. And finally, the Eagles have been on a roll, winning 6 games in a row by large margins and small, regardless of where they were playing.

For these reasons, the Eagles will win down in New Orleans. Jeff Garcia will run a mistake-free offense again and put the ball in the hands of the Ultimate Weapon, Brian Westbrook, early and often to keep the Saints offense off the field. The defense should force a key turnover or two as they did last time, and that was without the game tapes of the Saints' losses to Baltimore and Washington, which should provide defensive co-ordinator Jim Johnson with a scheme to confuse this offense that uses three-step drops to avoid blitz pressure. This Saints team is vulnerable when they commit turnovers. And that will be the difference in the game for the Eagles as they soar to another NFC Championship Game.

Prediction:
Eagles 34 Saints 24

Bonus Reason:
If you don't believe my analysis, at least take a look at Bill Simmons and his guide to deciding on which team to take in a playoff game. I realize it pertains to gambling, but most of the these rules directly apply to the Eagles if you take them into consideration. So if you don't believe me, at least believe the Sport Guy.