The Deathly Hallows

With Harry Potter Day just under 8 hours away, I wanted to take a moment and address the growing Potter-mania. Soon, bookstores everywhere will be swarmed by idiots dressing up as wizards. I'm all for children doing this, but if you're 28 and still live in your parents' basement, maybe you have better things to do (Just saying). But, I must keep my introductory rambles to a minimum as the rest of the post is a big ridiculous ramble anyways.

First things first, Snape is evil. I'm convinced. Harry is convinced. Oh yeah, he killed Dumbledore too. Can't forget to add that to the list. And in HP4 Voldemort listed 3 missing Death Eaters, saying one had left him forever, one was too cowardly to return, and one had already returned and would be rewarded above all others. The first was Karakoff who dies in HP6, the second is Crouch who impersonated Mad-Eye Moody was killed by the Dementors after incessantly questioning Harry about what Voldemort thought of him, and finally we come to Snape.

There has been much talk online about Snape's redemption and possible sacrifice to save Harry at the cost of his own life. I don't buy it. The two main explanations driving that theory are a sudden change of heart or the idea that Dumbledore planned or at least knew what would happen to him at the end of HP6. I think both of these theories are ridiculous.

Why would Snape cold-heartedly kill Dumbledore who trusted him and offered a second chance when no one else would and then spare Harry whom he has actively sabotaged over the course of 6 books. It just doesn't fly. While it is loosely possible that Dumbledore schemed up his own death to cause a chain of events leading to Voldemort's defeat, it would be a terrible ending. This has not been a series of books about Dumbledore's brilliance, but about Harry's heart. The book has been foreshadowing the magic of self-sacrificing love as the ultimate weapon against Voldemort since day 1. The idea that Dumbledore planned his death or knew about it to spur Snape's eventual change of heart is ludicrous and would undercut all of Harry's significance.

The real magic of the Harry Potter books has come from their clever plot turns and almost perfect pacing. It rarely strays from the well-worn track of Good vs. Evil. I find that simplicity refreshing. Moral ambiguity and inner turmoil is not a prerequisite of a great story. Good beats Evil. Love beats Hate. Everyone leaves satisfied. If you are determined to try and draw deeper meaning, you may wind up disappointed. Most of Harry's previous battles against Voldemort have been won against all odds when a deus ex machina appears to save the day. Quirrell/Voldemort can't touch Harry, Fawkes delivers Gryffindor's sword, Hermoine has a Time-Turner, Priori Incantatem allows Harry to escape, Dumbledore swoops in to drive off Voldemort. These are all very satisfying, but none of them will leave you lost in thought. I know that if Harry drops the BPAS on Voldemort armed only with his heart and the love of his friends, I'll walk away highly satisfied with the ending.

Here are some predictions:

Neville Longbottom finally cashes in on his potential. Every book has made sure to give us a glimpse of Neville's inner strength and his significance was further strengthened by the prophecy at the end of HP5.

Snape is evil. See above.

Sirius and Dumbledore stay dead. However, Dumbledore's portrait could get huge.

Percy Weasley finally figures it out. Some have theorized that Percy will "turn to the dark side" because of his rigid character and obsession with getting ahead. If he does join the Death Eaters at some point, I believe he'll renege later.

Harry has it out with the Ministry one last time. The Ministry has stood in way constantly throughout the series and will likely do so again.

Lastly... All the Weasley's are evil. They're all Gingers: red hair, freckles, light skin. Why isn't this being discussed more. Has Cartman taught us nothing? They have Gingervitis and therefore no souls. Sad, but true. It's possible that they have been the power behind Voldemort all along.

I think its highly likely that HP7 will end with a Devil's Advocate style plot twist where Ron attempts to persuade Harry to get with Ginny (who has already been turned into an Inferius) so that the Anti-Christ can rise again. Harry will foil this plan by killing himself with an Avada Kedavra to the temple. You heard it here first.