Still Alive....

In a recent trip to New York, I discovered that someone whom we all thought at Stain Club was dead is in fact alive and well: Plumpy. Yes, this picture is real as I found the last of the near-extinct Plumpa Trolls at the massive Toys ‘R Us in Times Square (The store, by the way, has its own Ferris Wheel within its own confines…the gondolas are shaped like many toys/cartoons—Rugrats and Legos to name a few—one would know and love from childhood that have yet to be destroyed by the higher corporate powers).


Anyways, Plumpy is living it up as a jester for King Kandy as well as taking a Larry Brown route by helping Kandy manage things in the game behind the scenes. He knows as a popular character of a classic children’s game that getting the ax was not going to be popular among Candyland enthusiasts such as ourselves. He is glad, though, that he didn’t follow the path of his ancestors in the manner of dancing for nickels just for a chance to get their paws on some blow.

Intrigued by this tidbit on his species/familial history, I urged to share more. Alas, ol’ Plumpy is a tad sensitive when it comes to the rest of the Plumpa Troll race and came at me like George Brett when his "pine-tar" home run was called back. After peeing myself from the barrage of plums that I was pummeled with, I scampered out of the store with my tail firmly between my piss-stained legs.

I speak for the rest of Stain Club when I say, “Thank God he’s still alive.”

An imaginary mailbag

Has anyone noticed lately that Bill Simmons is writing good stuff again? There was a dark period (probably had at least something to do with having a kid) where the columns were just so-so. Red Sox fever had cooled and writing about how Patriots' recent NFL dominance got old even for fans. A bunch of NBA columns later and all the Sports Guy hype just evaporated. The Eddie Griffin car crash while watching porn jokes only go so far. Wait. Those are always great... but the NBA is still the red-headed stepchild of American sports. Does anyone remember when we talked about the Big Four. They even had the cartoon "Pro Stars " with Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and Bo Jackson. Now you have 6 million Peyton Manning commercials. Someone needs to fix this.

Anyways, I've always loved the Sports Guy mailbags and think Stain Club needs to get on that bandwagon. Problem is, no one emails us. Maybe we should have started with asking for funny emails instead of trying to convince you to Pay Us To Live (which you should). Instead, we're going to make up emails and then respond to them.

I thought this was a blog about baseball. You have pictures of Shane Victorino and one guy who writes about baseball. Shouldn't you re-title your blog the "Politics and Misogyny Club"?

I admit it was unwise to start a baseball blog at the end of November. But aren't you really starting to think about baseball season? That happened for us in November. We can't help it. It's time to admit this year's NFL season was a big flop. Can you think of a really epic play that came out of someone not named Devin Hester. The two most praised players were Brian Urlacher and Peyton Manning. Woohoo. Am I bitter that the Bengals would rather go to the jailhouse than take it to the house? Yes. But I think everyone is secretly tired of ESPN milking 7 days of sports news out of each Sunday. To answer your question more directly, what is more stain-filled than politics and misogyny.

Why do you keep pestering me to read your stupid blog? I'm a girl and I don't like baseball. All you guys ever do is talk about baseball. Is it even baseball season yet?

A common complaint from our three loyal female readers. I would say to all three of you that we're trying to help you. Looking past the columns that might say all girls are terrible, I think we're offering up some valuable advice. There is nothing more attractive than a girl who likes baseball. Don't try and bring football into this. We really appreciate how you put on the girl-sized jersey and jump up and down in the stadium. We love Derrick Williams too. Football is a very accessible sport. At the Stain Club we like to say that "Baseball is the sport of Guys." If you can sit with us for 4 hours drinking beer at a game while talking about other games we went to years ago, then I'd like you to try on this engagement ring I just happen to have lying around.

Hey guys! Long time reader, first time emailer. I love your stuff on GFG's but you haven't followed up on it. I really don't know how to figure out if they're girl-faces until after I get shot down. How do they do it?

No one is saying it's easy. Don't worry though. We've got some good stuff coming up in the War against the Face. In the next week or so we're going to roll out the Mandyface and Assassinface. It's going to be a big win for us. Stay tuned.

What's happening with the Plumpy Situation? Why haven't you started a letter writing campaign? You even changed your pen name to acknowledge Plumpy's death. You're too busy complaining about Cinderella III to fight back against Hasbro. Weak.

Okay first off, you're imaginary. Let's get that straight. Hasbro, on the other hand is real and also a multi-million dollar corporation. According to USA Today, 31% of Americans are obese. It's going to be really hard to convince them to give up on the whole political correctness thing and bring Plumpy back. Plus, it's not easy to start a letter writing campaign when you're making up imaginary emailers. Just a thought.

I know you usually stick to long-winded metaphors about how politics is just like baseball, but I was wondering if you could handicap the Democratic candidates for me?

No worries. That's only a 10000 word column. But okay. I'll stick to the big 3 Democrats: Clinton, Edwards, Obama. I think we can write off the rest of them easily. I've been writing this for the past 20 minutes so I'm sure that Joe Biden has already made another racially insensitive comment. Tom Vilsack went huge because he thought he had it. He didn't and had to QFS. At least he went huge with a criticism of the current state of campaign financing. Kucinch is from my beloved home-state of Ohio. And even if he's from the North side, I still like him. With that admission, he now has two confirmed votes. I don't know how he gets elected every year. No one has an answer for this. Dodd is a lot like Biden, but Dodd hasn't even figured out how to keep his name in the news by talking about his state's illustrious history of slavery and ambivalence during the Civil War. There are a few other Democrats but I don't even know enough about them to make jokes. Moving on.

Clinton: A good friend of mine recently asked me, who actually likes Hillary? I was stumped. She gets such good press and has powerful financial backing. But I've never talked to any real people who actually LIKE her. She's a portrait of a centrist Democrat and appears to be legitimately trying to be a judicious politician. Is that what it takes to win a political campaign? I think people would be a lot more charged up about the Clinton candidacy if she shaved her head and started throwing umbrellas at the White House Press Corps. The media buzz would be incredible. Final verdict: Her name may not be Bill but don't underestimate Clinton magic.

Edwards: A former president of College Republicans once described Edwards to me as a Buchananite economic nationalist. I don't feel comfortable entirely refuting this judgement but every girl I ever talk to thinks he's just gorgeous. Major bonus points for having a wife that doesn't look threateningly attractive. Women voters make up about 53% of the electorate. Does this mean Brad Pitt would win in a walk? Before he made the blockbuster Aniston for Jolie trade, I would say yes. He did get the other 47% of the population secretly approving of that deal. Back to Edwards, his main talent seems to be getting you to like him even if you're not really sure what his actual position is and you have a sneaking suspicion you actually disagree with him. Strategically, he's doing a great job of letting Clinton and Obama duke it out while he sits back and rests his starters. Could Edwards turn into the 2006 Cardinals and limp into the playoffs until unleashing the obvious talent that got him the 2004 VP nod when he really had no legislative experience? Final Verdict: He's so pretty, I just can't say no.

Obama: OH MY GOD I LOVE BARACK!!! ONE MILLION STRONG FOR BARACK! OBAMA-MANIA FOREVER! Welcome to the 2006 Presidential elections where Barack Obama wins in a walk pulling down an audacious 60% of the popular vote.

What?

The election is in 2008? Okay kids just stay pumped up for the next two years. I hope college kids have a long attention span because otherwise Obama is going to have to get some other people pumped up. He's obviously a five-tool player. Impresses voters on average, fundraises for power, he's speedy on the primary trail, throws off challenging questions, and is great at fielding media attention. The scouting report on him is impressive. But I haven't seen him go against much big league pitching. What if Karl Rove starts throwing curveballs and painting the outside corners with deadly accuracy? I know Clinton is a seasoned vet who can foul those off until she gets her pitch. Edwards has gotten K'd up by his stuff in the past but at least he knows what's coming. Maybe Obama is that good. He could be. Final Verdict: I need to see a lot more tape.

I absolutely thought I could get through a political question without a baseball analogy. It appears I was wrong.

Why are there so few questions?

You try writing the questions AND the answers. It's harder than it looks.



Okay that's it for my first imaginary Stain Club mailbag. Next time, I'm hoping for actual questions but no promises.

This Isn't Over

Here's the response I received to my letter to Hasbro concerning the Plumpy Situation.

Hi Dylan,

Thank you for contacting us. We appreciate your taking the time to share your opinions with us regarding our Candy Land game.

Consumer satisfaction is very important to us. We will share your comments with our management team so that they are also aware of your views.

We want to assure you that we are dedicated to maintaining quality products and service. We hope you and your family will continue to enjoy our products for many years to come.

Again, thank you for contacting us, and for your comments.


Now, if you think we here at Stain Club are satisfied with this, you've got another thing coming. The fight for Plumpy continues, and you'll be the first to know our next step.

Please stop killing my childhood for money

As I was headed to work today (something else that is killing my childhood) I saw a movie poster for Cinderella III: A Twist in Time. Seriously. The premise of this direct to video gem revolves around the question "What if the shoe didn't fit?" Apparently, the wicked stepmother steals the fairy godmother's wand and uses it to try and sabotage poor Cinderella. Life must be tough at Disney, where they haven't had an original idea since Mickey Mouse. But at least they used to rehash old fairy tales well. Now they just disfigure their own classics with bad plot twists. Why do they do this? Because they hate my treasured childhood memories... and money. According to the good folks at Wiki, Cinderella 2 cost 5 million and made over 100 million. Cinderella isn't even in my top 5 Disney movies, but it just goes to show that the companies in charge of everything (think about the Plumpy Situation) we remember as good and pure in childhood are always looking for another way to pump money out of parents. So Disney, thanks for staining out my childhood today.

The Fight to Save America

Alright, we're not actually trying to save America. But we're going huge. We here at Stain Club like to take a stance on the big issues of our time. On all the important matters weighing on the minds of the American people. That's why we've decided to contact Hasbro and weigh in on their decision to remove beloved hero Plumpy from the popular game Candyland. Here is what was said:

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to you about your removal of the character “Plumpy” from the latest releases of your classic game Candyland. I remember as a young children feeling the joys of drawing the Queen Frostine (now Princess Frostine, for reasons that remain unclear to me in Candyland lore) and the agony of drawing Plumpy not shortly after said event. Plumpy, while a jolly looking character, spelled certain doom for successful adventurers that had almost found their way to King Kandy. I think it’s important for children to realize that sometimes they may seem like they’re on top of the world, but a big fat green Plumpa Troll is just around the corner.

While Mama Ginger Tree may be an interesting character in her own right, she does not demand the pathos of a misunderstood and oftentimes too harshly reviled figure such as Plumpy. Also, Gramma Nutt I have always felt is the matronly figure of the game, and it is her sage advice that I would turn to in my quest to avoid Lord Licorice, and not that of a talking tree (which, let’s admit, is a little silly). Plumpy is an important foundation of childhood, and it breaks my heart that today’s kids do not see his big green mutton chops and cringe in fear that they may draw his card after successfully navigating their way across the Gumdrop Pass, or through the harsh terrain of the Lollipop Woods.

I was wondering if you would consider re-adding Plumpy to the game, even if he has to take a somewhat reduced role in the saga of the story. Perhaps he could live in the Chocolate Swamp and pay rent to Gloppy, or work as dutiful servant to Lolly (now demoted from being a Princess, I see. Will wonders never cease?) in her woods?

Alternately, I think you could offer a game featuring Mama Gingerbread, and one offering Plumpy, and see which addition sells more. I think you’d be surprised. I look forward to hearing your thoughts, and if you would like any additional advice, I would be more than happy to offer it.

Your sincere Plumpy Fan,

Dylan Page

We will keep you updated on this issue as the case for Plumpy continues.

Plumpy's dead?!?

Work has been rough today. About a minute ago it became much rougher when I found out that Plumpy is dead. Yes that's right Plumpy himself got Plumpied. His replacement? Mama Ginger Tree. I'm sorry but I've never heard anyone exclaim "You got Mama Ginger Tree'd." This is a travesty of justice and I demand that King Kandy himself take immediate steps to rectify it.

Getting Plumpied

Here at Stain Club, we take great pride in improving your vocabulary. For proof, take a look at the Stain Club Business section of the blog. Today’s new terminology comes from a famous childhood game, Candyland. Those of you who played Candyland in those woebegone days of your youth may recall a certain heavily mustached green figure named Plumpy (pictured here for your convenience).

Plumpy is the last of the Plumpa Trolls, but no one much cared about his origins. Instead, everyone cursed his name when they drew the Plumpy card from the deck, as a player is almost inevitably further along on the board than ole Plump-Stain. You probably thought you were pretty damn awesome when you got the Queen Frostine card and thought you could coast to victory while your buddies got stuck in the Molasses Swamp, but then you got the Plump Man and it was back to square one. And thus, the new Stain Club Term is: Getting Plumpied.

Getting Plumpied (verb):

(1) To be destroyed in the face of inevitable victory.
Ex: The Phillies were Plumpied out of the playoffs the last two years with critical losses down the stretch to such note-worthy foes as those rough and tumble (ahem) Washington Nationals.

(2) To be returned to “square one.”
Ex: With the turned down deals of trading for Mike Gonzalez or Derek Turnbow, Pat Gillick has been Plumpied in his efforts to find bullpen help.


Stain Club: Not just a sports blog, but also a whole lot of nonsense.