Fake Questions, Real Answers: Imaginary Mailbag #2

It's been a while since I last dropped a mailbag, and I'm sure I've broken several promises I made about when this was going to get posted. I have no good excuses for this either. The fact that I haven't posted about March Madness, Opening Day, or even politics lately is disappointing to me, and hopefully you. Before we turn to our imaginary emailers, I want to point out that not all of the questions were imagined by me. Does this mean people are writing in with questions? You tell me.

I notice that people responding to S.Q. usually take offense at his liberal viewpoints. Does S.Q. get angry about this kind of stuff? I picture him tearing off his shirt and screaming and pounding angry posts at his keyboard until his fingers bleed. How far off am I?

Sorry to break it to you, but you're far off. At this point, he's torn apart all of his clothes. Remember when people first started saying "Surge"? That's when S.Q. started running around campus naked tearing other peoples' clothes off. Just a suggestion, but don't visit Penn State until the troops come home. You've been warned.

How often do you get made fun of for Chris Henry? I hope constantly. Do you think the police have installed a GPS on him or do they just follow him around the old fashioned way? Does the Cincinnati Police force pay extra for arresting Bengals players?

First off, I hate you. Secondly, Cincinnati hates you. But to answer your question, I have no idea. I drown it out. You think this the first time I've had to deal with Bengals jokes? Do you remember the 90's? Until Carson Palmer came along, the best football things in my life were the Ickey Shuffle and Shake 'n Blake. When you've pinned your football dreams on Jeff Blake for several years nothing fazes you. It's like being a Philadelphia fan, but without the hope.

Your attempt to hurt my feelings does remind me of my latest realization. As many of you know I work as a slave monkey at a big law firm. A great job I assure you, but I've come up with a much better one. Bengals chaperone. The possibilities are endless. Follow around any of the 53 active Bengals players for a year telling them that the double yellow line is not something they should repeatedly drive over. Beyond helping save my home team's dignity, I would make so much money off of the players when they bribe me to look away while they buy more pot. This has huge potential. I'm going to call Marvin Lewis after I'm done writing this.

What happened to all of the new vocabulary? I'm quitting for strength and using the big play action stick, but I want more. Also what happened to the Girl-face Girl?

You caught us. We're stains. Goes with the territory. Sometimes we do stainy things like forget to add new Stain Club vocabulary. S.Q. keeps promising to write about "Unit" but running around naked like a psychopath is a full time job at this point so no promises. As for the infamous GFG, I don't have a good answer for you. But if you're looking for some hilarious content with a tinge of misogyny I would suggest this. I'm not saying being named Kim du Toit has anything to do with his anger management issues but this is some of the finest old-fashioned screed I've seen in a long time.

Have you actually recieved any donations to stainclub, and where are the shirts and hats to buy?

One really important thing to point out. This is not an imaginary question. I'm shocked too. Because everything is backwards, I'll say this much. Money is rolling in. The PUTL campaign is highly successful at this point. I would whole-heartedly recommend you get in on it before its too late. As for shirts and hats to buy... We had them, but... S.Q. found them after Bush threatened a veto and...uhh... we're selling Stain Club T-shirt scraps for 50% off.

I saw a rumor on another Phillies blog that Pat Gillick has been in talks with Bud Selig to turn baseball into a 7 inning game. Is there any truth to this and will it help the Phillies win the World Series?

I'm not going even dignify the first question with a response. Clearly my imaginary question writing skills have really started to go downhill. However, turning baseball into a 7 inning game may be the only chance the Phillies have. I think they could turn into one of the most dominant squads in the majors. If, of course, the games are 7 innings long. In fact, I would go so far as to say that such a change would guarantee the Phillies win as many games as D. Page has predicted. Which brings us to our next question...

You really think the Phillies are gonna win that many games? Have you seen their bullpen? I should be out there pitching. Don't think I'm gonna believe a word you guys are saying just because you try to pretend you know what DIPS means.

This answer might make our fearless Stain-leader D. Page look bad, but here goes nothing. Yes, he really thinks they're going to win that many games. Yes, we have seen the bullpen. No, you should not be out there pitching. If you're reading this obviously you have too much time on your hands. As for the last part, D. Page has been struggling a little bit without baseball in his life. Rumors abound that he walks around his apartment in a cape from time to time. It's also possible that he turned his room into a shrine dedicated to Bill James and Voros McCracken. Did he build a fortress out of fantasy baseball guides a week before our fantasy draft? I'm not going to tell you. However, I will say that all the rumors you've heard about him quitting Stain Club to write erotic stories about Ryan Howard are untrue. In short, he knows baseball.

I'd answer a few more emails but nothing I do is going to beat that last one so check back soon for mailbag #3.

An imaginary mailbag

Has anyone noticed lately that Bill Simmons is writing good stuff again? There was a dark period (probably had at least something to do with having a kid) where the columns were just so-so. Red Sox fever had cooled and writing about how Patriots' recent NFL dominance got old even for fans. A bunch of NBA columns later and all the Sports Guy hype just evaporated. The Eddie Griffin car crash while watching porn jokes only go so far. Wait. Those are always great... but the NBA is still the red-headed stepchild of American sports. Does anyone remember when we talked about the Big Four. They even had the cartoon "Pro Stars " with Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and Bo Jackson. Now you have 6 million Peyton Manning commercials. Someone needs to fix this.

Anyways, I've always loved the Sports Guy mailbags and think Stain Club needs to get on that bandwagon. Problem is, no one emails us. Maybe we should have started with asking for funny emails instead of trying to convince you to Pay Us To Live (which you should). Instead, we're going to make up emails and then respond to them.

I thought this was a blog about baseball. You have pictures of Shane Victorino and one guy who writes about baseball. Shouldn't you re-title your blog the "Politics and Misogyny Club"?

I admit it was unwise to start a baseball blog at the end of November. But aren't you really starting to think about baseball season? That happened for us in November. We can't help it. It's time to admit this year's NFL season was a big flop. Can you think of a really epic play that came out of someone not named Devin Hester. The two most praised players were Brian Urlacher and Peyton Manning. Woohoo. Am I bitter that the Bengals would rather go to the jailhouse than take it to the house? Yes. But I think everyone is secretly tired of ESPN milking 7 days of sports news out of each Sunday. To answer your question more directly, what is more stain-filled than politics and misogyny.

Why do you keep pestering me to read your stupid blog? I'm a girl and I don't like baseball. All you guys ever do is talk about baseball. Is it even baseball season yet?

A common complaint from our three loyal female readers. I would say to all three of you that we're trying to help you. Looking past the columns that might say all girls are terrible, I think we're offering up some valuable advice. There is nothing more attractive than a girl who likes baseball. Don't try and bring football into this. We really appreciate how you put on the girl-sized jersey and jump up and down in the stadium. We love Derrick Williams too. Football is a very accessible sport. At the Stain Club we like to say that "Baseball is the sport of Guys." If you can sit with us for 4 hours drinking beer at a game while talking about other games we went to years ago, then I'd like you to try on this engagement ring I just happen to have lying around.

Hey guys! Long time reader, first time emailer. I love your stuff on GFG's but you haven't followed up on it. I really don't know how to figure out if they're girl-faces until after I get shot down. How do they do it?

No one is saying it's easy. Don't worry though. We've got some good stuff coming up in the War against the Face. In the next week or so we're going to roll out the Mandyface and Assassinface. It's going to be a big win for us. Stay tuned.

What's happening with the Plumpy Situation? Why haven't you started a letter writing campaign? You even changed your pen name to acknowledge Plumpy's death. You're too busy complaining about Cinderella III to fight back against Hasbro. Weak.

Okay first off, you're imaginary. Let's get that straight. Hasbro, on the other hand is real and also a multi-million dollar corporation. According to USA Today, 31% of Americans are obese. It's going to be really hard to convince them to give up on the whole political correctness thing and bring Plumpy back. Plus, it's not easy to start a letter writing campaign when you're making up imaginary emailers. Just a thought.

I know you usually stick to long-winded metaphors about how politics is just like baseball, but I was wondering if you could handicap the Democratic candidates for me?

No worries. That's only a 10000 word column. But okay. I'll stick to the big 3 Democrats: Clinton, Edwards, Obama. I think we can write off the rest of them easily. I've been writing this for the past 20 minutes so I'm sure that Joe Biden has already made another racially insensitive comment. Tom Vilsack went huge because he thought he had it. He didn't and had to QFS. At least he went huge with a criticism of the current state of campaign financing. Kucinch is from my beloved home-state of Ohio. And even if he's from the North side, I still like him. With that admission, he now has two confirmed votes. I don't know how he gets elected every year. No one has an answer for this. Dodd is a lot like Biden, but Dodd hasn't even figured out how to keep his name in the news by talking about his state's illustrious history of slavery and ambivalence during the Civil War. There are a few other Democrats but I don't even know enough about them to make jokes. Moving on.

Clinton: A good friend of mine recently asked me, who actually likes Hillary? I was stumped. She gets such good press and has powerful financial backing. But I've never talked to any real people who actually LIKE her. She's a portrait of a centrist Democrat and appears to be legitimately trying to be a judicious politician. Is that what it takes to win a political campaign? I think people would be a lot more charged up about the Clinton candidacy if she shaved her head and started throwing umbrellas at the White House Press Corps. The media buzz would be incredible. Final verdict: Her name may not be Bill but don't underestimate Clinton magic.

Edwards: A former president of College Republicans once described Edwards to me as a Buchananite economic nationalist. I don't feel comfortable entirely refuting this judgement but every girl I ever talk to thinks he's just gorgeous. Major bonus points for having a wife that doesn't look threateningly attractive. Women voters make up about 53% of the electorate. Does this mean Brad Pitt would win in a walk? Before he made the blockbuster Aniston for Jolie trade, I would say yes. He did get the other 47% of the population secretly approving of that deal. Back to Edwards, his main talent seems to be getting you to like him even if you're not really sure what his actual position is and you have a sneaking suspicion you actually disagree with him. Strategically, he's doing a great job of letting Clinton and Obama duke it out while he sits back and rests his starters. Could Edwards turn into the 2006 Cardinals and limp into the playoffs until unleashing the obvious talent that got him the 2004 VP nod when he really had no legislative experience? Final Verdict: He's so pretty, I just can't say no.

Obama: OH MY GOD I LOVE BARACK!!! ONE MILLION STRONG FOR BARACK! OBAMA-MANIA FOREVER! Welcome to the 2006 Presidential elections where Barack Obama wins in a walk pulling down an audacious 60% of the popular vote.

What?

The election is in 2008? Okay kids just stay pumped up for the next two years. I hope college kids have a long attention span because otherwise Obama is going to have to get some other people pumped up. He's obviously a five-tool player. Impresses voters on average, fundraises for power, he's speedy on the primary trail, throws off challenging questions, and is great at fielding media attention. The scouting report on him is impressive. But I haven't seen him go against much big league pitching. What if Karl Rove starts throwing curveballs and painting the outside corners with deadly accuracy? I know Clinton is a seasoned vet who can foul those off until she gets her pitch. Edwards has gotten K'd up by his stuff in the past but at least he knows what's coming. Maybe Obama is that good. He could be. Final Verdict: I need to see a lot more tape.

I absolutely thought I could get through a political question without a baseball analogy. It appears I was wrong.

Why are there so few questions?

You try writing the questions AND the answers. It's harder than it looks.



Okay that's it for my first imaginary Stain Club mailbag. Next time, I'm hoping for actual questions but no promises.