Fake Questions, Real Answers: Imaginary Mailbag #2

It's been a while since I last dropped a mailbag, and I'm sure I've broken several promises I made about when this was going to get posted. I have no good excuses for this either. The fact that I haven't posted about March Madness, Opening Day, or even politics lately is disappointing to me, and hopefully you. Before we turn to our imaginary emailers, I want to point out that not all of the questions were imagined by me. Does this mean people are writing in with questions? You tell me.

I notice that people responding to S.Q. usually take offense at his liberal viewpoints. Does S.Q. get angry about this kind of stuff? I picture him tearing off his shirt and screaming and pounding angry posts at his keyboard until his fingers bleed. How far off am I?

Sorry to break it to you, but you're far off. At this point, he's torn apart all of his clothes. Remember when people first started saying "Surge"? That's when S.Q. started running around campus naked tearing other peoples' clothes off. Just a suggestion, but don't visit Penn State until the troops come home. You've been warned.

How often do you get made fun of for Chris Henry? I hope constantly. Do you think the police have installed a GPS on him or do they just follow him around the old fashioned way? Does the Cincinnati Police force pay extra for arresting Bengals players?

First off, I hate you. Secondly, Cincinnati hates you. But to answer your question, I have no idea. I drown it out. You think this the first time I've had to deal with Bengals jokes? Do you remember the 90's? Until Carson Palmer came along, the best football things in my life were the Ickey Shuffle and Shake 'n Blake. When you've pinned your football dreams on Jeff Blake for several years nothing fazes you. It's like being a Philadelphia fan, but without the hope.

Your attempt to hurt my feelings does remind me of my latest realization. As many of you know I work as a slave monkey at a big law firm. A great job I assure you, but I've come up with a much better one. Bengals chaperone. The possibilities are endless. Follow around any of the 53 active Bengals players for a year telling them that the double yellow line is not something they should repeatedly drive over. Beyond helping save my home team's dignity, I would make so much money off of the players when they bribe me to look away while they buy more pot. This has huge potential. I'm going to call Marvin Lewis after I'm done writing this.

What happened to all of the new vocabulary? I'm quitting for strength and using the big play action stick, but I want more. Also what happened to the Girl-face Girl?

You caught us. We're stains. Goes with the territory. Sometimes we do stainy things like forget to add new Stain Club vocabulary. S.Q. keeps promising to write about "Unit" but running around naked like a psychopath is a full time job at this point so no promises. As for the infamous GFG, I don't have a good answer for you. But if you're looking for some hilarious content with a tinge of misogyny I would suggest this. I'm not saying being named Kim du Toit has anything to do with his anger management issues but this is some of the finest old-fashioned screed I've seen in a long time.

Have you actually recieved any donations to stainclub, and where are the shirts and hats to buy?

One really important thing to point out. This is not an imaginary question. I'm shocked too. Because everything is backwards, I'll say this much. Money is rolling in. The PUTL campaign is highly successful at this point. I would whole-heartedly recommend you get in on it before its too late. As for shirts and hats to buy... We had them, but... S.Q. found them after Bush threatened a veto and...uhh... we're selling Stain Club T-shirt scraps for 50% off.

I saw a rumor on another Phillies blog that Pat Gillick has been in talks with Bud Selig to turn baseball into a 7 inning game. Is there any truth to this and will it help the Phillies win the World Series?

I'm not going even dignify the first question with a response. Clearly my imaginary question writing skills have really started to go downhill. However, turning baseball into a 7 inning game may be the only chance the Phillies have. I think they could turn into one of the most dominant squads in the majors. If, of course, the games are 7 innings long. In fact, I would go so far as to say that such a change would guarantee the Phillies win as many games as D. Page has predicted. Which brings us to our next question...

You really think the Phillies are gonna win that many games? Have you seen their bullpen? I should be out there pitching. Don't think I'm gonna believe a word you guys are saying just because you try to pretend you know what DIPS means.

This answer might make our fearless Stain-leader D. Page look bad, but here goes nothing. Yes, he really thinks they're going to win that many games. Yes, we have seen the bullpen. No, you should not be out there pitching. If you're reading this obviously you have too much time on your hands. As for the last part, D. Page has been struggling a little bit without baseball in his life. Rumors abound that he walks around his apartment in a cape from time to time. It's also possible that he turned his room into a shrine dedicated to Bill James and Voros McCracken. Did he build a fortress out of fantasy baseball guides a week before our fantasy draft? I'm not going to tell you. However, I will say that all the rumors you've heard about him quitting Stain Club to write erotic stories about Ryan Howard are untrue. In short, he knows baseball.

I'd answer a few more emails but nothing I do is going to beat that last one so check back soon for mailbag #3.