Everyone Wants Your Money

Yes, the headline is blatant and obvious, but, of course, it's true. Everyone does, indeed, want your money. Cingular wants it so they can tell you to be safe and be courteous. Verizon wants it so they can provide the same content as the internet on a horrendously small screen.

But, my most recent fascination with this topic is MLB going too huge and trying to get a kicback from fantasy baseball websites. Right, because you can't just go look up what Manny Ramirez did in the paper? Anyone could run their own fantasy game, they pay for the service of someone else looking up the stats and calculating averages, etc. And they find that information in public forums. I really don't know what Bud Selig thinks he's trying to pull off, but I have to assume this case will be thrown out.

Of course, we here at Stain Club are guilty of this as well. We would like you to pay us to live. We won't be offering any services other than updating our humble blog, which we would have more time to do if we were being paid just to maintain our lifestyle. So keep this in mind, reader. And yes, I left the "s" off of reader for a reason. Thank you, our one noble fan. Be safe. Be courteous.

I'm just sayin is all

I like where The Onion is going with this but I think they could take it a little further if they wanted to step up to the Stain Club's level. We're still waiting to be paid to live. I thought I would take a moment in the height of Iraq War drama and early season baseball to point that out.

Fake Questions, Real Answers: Imaginary Mailbag #2

It's been a while since I last dropped a mailbag, and I'm sure I've broken several promises I made about when this was going to get posted. I have no good excuses for this either. The fact that I haven't posted about March Madness, Opening Day, or even politics lately is disappointing to me, and hopefully you. Before we turn to our imaginary emailers, I want to point out that not all of the questions were imagined by me. Does this mean people are writing in with questions? You tell me.

I notice that people responding to S.Q. usually take offense at his liberal viewpoints. Does S.Q. get angry about this kind of stuff? I picture him tearing off his shirt and screaming and pounding angry posts at his keyboard until his fingers bleed. How far off am I?

Sorry to break it to you, but you're far off. At this point, he's torn apart all of his clothes. Remember when people first started saying "Surge"? That's when S.Q. started running around campus naked tearing other peoples' clothes off. Just a suggestion, but don't visit Penn State until the troops come home. You've been warned.

How often do you get made fun of for Chris Henry? I hope constantly. Do you think the police have installed a GPS on him or do they just follow him around the old fashioned way? Does the Cincinnati Police force pay extra for arresting Bengals players?

First off, I hate you. Secondly, Cincinnati hates you. But to answer your question, I have no idea. I drown it out. You think this the first time I've had to deal with Bengals jokes? Do you remember the 90's? Until Carson Palmer came along, the best football things in my life were the Ickey Shuffle and Shake 'n Blake. When you've pinned your football dreams on Jeff Blake for several years nothing fazes you. It's like being a Philadelphia fan, but without the hope.

Your attempt to hurt my feelings does remind me of my latest realization. As many of you know I work as a slave monkey at a big law firm. A great job I assure you, but I've come up with a much better one. Bengals chaperone. The possibilities are endless. Follow around any of the 53 active Bengals players for a year telling them that the double yellow line is not something they should repeatedly drive over. Beyond helping save my home team's dignity, I would make so much money off of the players when they bribe me to look away while they buy more pot. This has huge potential. I'm going to call Marvin Lewis after I'm done writing this.

What happened to all of the new vocabulary? I'm quitting for strength and using the big play action stick, but I want more. Also what happened to the Girl-face Girl?

You caught us. We're stains. Goes with the territory. Sometimes we do stainy things like forget to add new Stain Club vocabulary. S.Q. keeps promising to write about "Unit" but running around naked like a psychopath is a full time job at this point so no promises. As for the infamous GFG, I don't have a good answer for you. But if you're looking for some hilarious content with a tinge of misogyny I would suggest this. I'm not saying being named Kim du Toit has anything to do with his anger management issues but this is some of the finest old-fashioned screed I've seen in a long time.

Have you actually recieved any donations to stainclub, and where are the shirts and hats to buy?

One really important thing to point out. This is not an imaginary question. I'm shocked too. Because everything is backwards, I'll say this much. Money is rolling in. The PUTL campaign is highly successful at this point. I would whole-heartedly recommend you get in on it before its too late. As for shirts and hats to buy... We had them, but... S.Q. found them after Bush threatened a veto and...uhh... we're selling Stain Club T-shirt scraps for 50% off.

I saw a rumor on another Phillies blog that Pat Gillick has been in talks with Bud Selig to turn baseball into a 7 inning game. Is there any truth to this and will it help the Phillies win the World Series?

I'm not going even dignify the first question with a response. Clearly my imaginary question writing skills have really started to go downhill. However, turning baseball into a 7 inning game may be the only chance the Phillies have. I think they could turn into one of the most dominant squads in the majors. If, of course, the games are 7 innings long. In fact, I would go so far as to say that such a change would guarantee the Phillies win as many games as D. Page has predicted. Which brings us to our next question...

You really think the Phillies are gonna win that many games? Have you seen their bullpen? I should be out there pitching. Don't think I'm gonna believe a word you guys are saying just because you try to pretend you know what DIPS means.

This answer might make our fearless Stain-leader D. Page look bad, but here goes nothing. Yes, he really thinks they're going to win that many games. Yes, we have seen the bullpen. No, you should not be out there pitching. If you're reading this obviously you have too much time on your hands. As for the last part, D. Page has been struggling a little bit without baseball in his life. Rumors abound that he walks around his apartment in a cape from time to time. It's also possible that he turned his room into a shrine dedicated to Bill James and Voros McCracken. Did he build a fortress out of fantasy baseball guides a week before our fantasy draft? I'm not going to tell you. However, I will say that all the rumors you've heard about him quitting Stain Club to write erotic stories about Ryan Howard are untrue. In short, he knows baseball.

I'd answer a few more emails but nothing I do is going to beat that last one so check back soon for mailbag #3.

Sippin' on Gin and Juice

I got drunk in front of parents for the first time ever today. I don’t know how other people experienced their first time, but it was kind of awkward and yet incredible at the same time. You know you’re legal, but they’re still your parents and you feel like you shouldn’t be partaking in such silly activities in front of them.

I rose above these circumstances because of the winter storm that decided to shit on the parade of my plans today. I was supposed to head back to State College with my girlfriend, who is gracious enough to not only have a car, but drive as well, but the sleet and “wintry mix” as the Weather Channel dubs it made everyone nervous, including me, so we had to delay our trip until tomorrow at midday.

With a six-pack of Beast (the regular kind, actually known of the ones pcitured above) already bought from a New York grocery store, I figured it was a good as time as ever to start drinking in front of my parents. My father was really the only one who was around to witness me drinking and barely raised an eyebrow. When my Mom returned from her errands (mostly buying me things for the rest of the semester, bless her heart) and barely missed a beat in her day.

What did throw me off was that her nanny friend/acquaintance came over for a lift up our steep-ass cul-de-sac which was covered with a sheet of sleet this afternoon thanks to this little storm we had today. I was completely smashed and must have stuttered every word that came out of my mouth—hilarious at least in my mind.

To top that off, my little brother who is a senior, nearly ready to graduate, knew I was drunk and was quite jealous of the fact that he couldn’t drink at all because our mother had driven off in our car, the Shaggin’ Wagon, that contained his stash of beer.

Anyways, I just want to know if there is anyone else out there who has gotten drunk while being in college and in that kind of awkward phase between being a completely stain and becoming an independent person from your family—because I feel like I hit that stage head on today.

For the most part, I would say it was enjoyable, mostly because my older brother called me out on drinking Milwaukee’s Best and my Dad told him to shut up and let me drink. In addition, it was March Madness and I wasn’t going anywhere today so I felt an obligatory duty to drink the beer that I had already bought. Where else was I going to drink it (besides back at college—however, that was still a day away I must say)?

I just feel like it’s interesting to know when that drunk line between your parents and your college self is crossed. Let me know your experiences (if there are any blog viewers out there at all).

NYT Has Stains Writing For Them

...Which may not surprise many people, but look at this. Exhibit A is this awful writer referring to herself as "we":

We just have to add an observation here: No matter who the questioner is, whether it’s George Stephanopoulos or Lou Dobbs, the candidates have mouths of their own.

That doesn't sound anywhere near serious - unless "Kate Phillips" is actually two people, "Kate" and "Phillip" - but the fun doesn't end there. In the very next paragraph she refers to a different "we," this time meaning herself and her readers:

And everyone knows that the candidates have all new ways of getting their message across in all new media because there are so many portals. We forget that sometimes.

Emphasis mine in both cases.
It's funny to think of the meaning of that second paragraph if the "we" meant the same as the first paragraph: "The New York Times sometimes forgets that there are many new types of media." I bet more than a few bloggers would agree with that.
I probably should've been hired at the Times right out of high school, if this is the type of stuff they want "us" to write. I don't really want to write for a living though, I'd rather someone just pay "us" to live.
By the way, you should check it out, the actual content of the article isn't any better.

CNN, going huge because they thought they had it

I really hate it when CNN only posts the news in video format. If I want to watch CNN I will turn on the tv. Regardless, this guy has an interesting 10 reasons you should quit. As is increasingly typical of major news sources, the reporting is shoddy and they missed the most important reason to quit: for strength.

Had CNN really wanted to go huge they would've written up something about the PUTL guy and put QFS at the number 1 spot.

I Got Stained Out, Hard

I was recently the victim of a drunk person who stole my wallet with the apparent idea that I ought to pay him to live. Whoever it was took my jacket from a bar, proceeded to another bar and spent 19 dollars. Then the next morning I got to have a lovely hung over conversation with a policeman to get back an empty wallet, bereft of even my school ID. Now, I also want people to pay me to live. I think I deserve it. But I never, ever, take the matter into my own hands and force other people to pay me to live. That $19 probably would've been spent on alcohol anyway, but this scumbag felt as if he deserved the drinks more than me. This opinion was, and continues to be, incorrect. I'm probably better at drinking than him, and I'm obviously better at living, since I'm not a rotten dirty thief, so he should probably be paying me to live, not the other way around.

The other awful thing is that in addition to using my credit card the piece of shit stained me out in a number of ways. He took the key to my bike lock, forcing me to purchase a hacksaw and a new lock and waste valuable energy sawing and cursing. He took my license, forcing me to get a new one, not to mention forcing me to look ridiculous by using my passport to buy alcohol. He took my school ID, forcing me to shell out $15 for a new one, which I wouldn't even need except my license will now be a duplicate, which is an immediate sign for bouncers to demand a second picture ID. He forced me to get a new bank card, and to go into debt to my roommates while I wait for it to come in the mail. He potentially forced me to commit aggravated assault, or even murder, because if I ever find out who he is that's exactly what will happen.

The point of all of this is that someone needs to pay me to live. I obviously have a hard life, and I'm only asking for credit where credit is due. Credit in the form of money.

He Gets Paid For This

Check out Bernard-Henri Levy in this tour de force of a column. He is a philosopher and a writer and apparently one of the most self-important men on the planet. It would be interesting to see a competition for the title of Most Self-Important Man, but this article definitely heralds a contender. Highlights include the divulgence of the oh-so-interesting facts that my man Bernard finds eating at home repugnant, and that he doesn't like to sleep a lot, only to sleep "well." He would probably not have enjoyed my day, then, which consisted of sleeping until 3 in the afternoon and then preparing and eating a delicious breakfast quesadilla. Where's my book deals and world renown? Maybe somebody should just pay me to live.

Gimme Little Drink From Your Pleasure Cup

Disney’s Pleasure Island is an interesting place to spend an evening, as detailed here. It’s twenty dollars for admission into seven clubs, so it’s not a bad deal, right? Well, the problem is the cost of adult bevarages. Unless you’re rich, unlike me (anyone wanna pay us to live yet?), the $7.50 for a small screwdriver means Scrooge McDuck likely set the prices. But wait! For an additional 2 bucks (that’s $9.50, kids), you can get a Pleasure Cup, which is a larger cup, made of plastic, that says “Pleasure Island” on it. And you get to keep it. Score. And there’s even more! Refills in the Pleasure Cup are FREE!!!!!.....after the first $7.50 per refill. So, including cab fare, you’re looking at $60-70, and at the end of the night, if you’re coherent enough to hang onto your Pleasure Cup, consider yourself worthy of a pat on the back for the moral victory. Next time you get upset about a ten dollar pitcher of beer, think of Mickey Mouse drilling a hole in your wallet, and remember that things aren’t quite so bad at the local watering hole.

Back from the Bowl

Greetings,

It's been a while since I've posted, but I've been busy watching Penn State do this. After relaxing in Florida for several days, I'm convinced that I could be very successful if someone would just pay me to live. I think I would do all the things I wanted to do, and I could even write up some hilarious anecdotes to amuse my benefactors. I really see this working out in the future. Now I just need someone to do the paying. Anyways, I've got plenty to blog about, so stop back over the next several days for blogs about the following:

Phils vs. the Padres
24 (or Bauertime as I like to call it)
Brett Myers
Disney's Pleasure Island
A snapshot review of the classic Baseball book Ball Four
What certain atheletes SHOULD be using as their walk up/entrance music

A new reason to pay us to live

I'm consistently amazed by the stupid questions people write to advice columns. Here's a classic example titled "Boozy sex is no basis for a solid relationship." These people should be paying us to live. They can use our way of life as a guide for the sometimes painfully obvious questions they ask. If that's not a good reason to pay us to live I don't know what is.

Pay Us To Live (PUTL)

I think I should be paid to live. I'm not going to do anything spectacular. I'm just going to live my life, and I think that's something that's worth investing in. I've heard of these people who want breast implants and start up a website to take donations and make thousands. I don't really think I want breast implants, but I would like to avoid getting a real job or a career ever, so if anyone wants to help me out with that I would appreciate it. Of course, I'm not going to show my appreciation in any significant way, but it's definitely there. I mean, if you give enough money to my cause I would definitely meet up with you and go out to dinner to thank you, but only if you make your own way here, and you pay for dinner. Think about it...